/wp-content/uploads/JMLogo.png00Jeni Mawter/wp-content/uploads/JMLogo.pngJeni Mawter2013-09-14 13:00:162014-11-06 22:05:53Struggling to recover from NPD abuse? This may help you to understand why.
I was dumped/humiliated by my Narc girlfriend after only 10 months, so I guess I was lucky. But it doesn’t feel that way and I still have a lot of self doubt – was it me all along? did I screw up and lose the love of my life…
Anyway, very many of the experiences I had fit with the information on Narc relationships, except that she seems to have a positive relationship with her grown up daughter, although they are incredibly co-dependent. This seeming discrepancy just feeds my self doubt – how much variability is there in the behaviour of Narcs?
As I keep saying, I am not a qualified counsellor, so these are just the opinions and observations of someone who has experienced NPD.
I believe that whilst you can still be considered a source of narcissistic supply, you will always have to remain vigilant to an element of risk. Although you are possibly completely off the radar, although you may well have been completely discarded, I would still go cautiously.
I know that this is not how many people would advise you to live your life, but my experiences have come under the banner ‘Expect the Unexpected’.
It’s safer this way.
I hope you find a peaceful path, and this person stays on the periphery!
Warm wishes,
Jeni
Selina says:
Jeni, your blog is a liberation. Thank you!
I have a question about duration. I was the victim of a narcissist in 2006, on a charity walk that went terribly wrong – she was the walker, I was support, and she ended up conducting a sustained campaign of emotional abuse against me *and my family* once we were on the road and no-one who wasn’t under her control was there to bear witness to the cruelty.
(A documentary was made about it, and in front of the cameras, she seemed glassy-eyed and reptilian but relatively normal. Not ine of the ‘charmers’. That poor filmmaker ended up breaking down in my living room weeping ‘its just that you’re so nice and they’re so… they’re just so horrible’ so at least one person outside the family saw what was going on!)
I’ve never written that down before 🙂
My question is – does she pose me any danger now?
It only occurred to me from reading your blog that she might actually be done with me, discarded and ‘vanquished’ is the word I think of.
It would be such a relief to think that she never thinks of me. If goons ever came after me, I wouldn’t (currently) be that surprised if they were sent by her on account of I know her to be evil, and I associate evil with continuity and long-term scheming.
Having used me up and spit me away, am I actually – or even possibly – rid of her?
Mandy says:
A great site, I am glad I found it. 2 relationships with 2 Narcissists later, I
Survive. But left with scares and pain and tears. 25 years of bad judgements on who would love me….ultimately neither of them did.
But I don’t believe Narcissists love themselves totally, I think they love and hate themselves too. They tag along with people who at first are attracted to them and then grow to love them. But they can show their dark sides early on in a relationship but many of us see the red flag and delude ourselves …. be cause we are desperate for their love.
Narcissists are usually immature emotionally, but also very selfish.
Very interesting piece. Thank you for sharing, Jeni. I found this description to be especially powerful: “Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).”
Narcissistic relationships can be so devastating. I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to compose and curate so much valuable writing on the topic. One article that I would encourage you to share is Dr. Lisa Firestone’s interview on the psychological effects of narcissistic relationships: http://www.psychalive.org/2013/04/narcissistic-relationships/
I was dumped/humiliated by my Narc girlfriend after only 10 months, so I guess I was lucky. But it doesn’t feel that way and I still have a lot of self doubt – was it me all along? did I screw up and lose the love of my life…
Anyway, very many of the experiences I had fit with the information on Narc relationships, except that she seems to have a positive relationship with her grown up daughter, although they are incredibly co-dependent. This seeming discrepancy just feeds my self doubt – how much variability is there in the behaviour of Narcs?
Hi Selina,
As I keep saying, I am not a qualified counsellor, so these are just the opinions and observations of someone who has experienced NPD.
I believe that whilst you can still be considered a source of narcissistic supply, you will always have to remain vigilant to an element of risk. Although you are possibly completely off the radar, although you may well have been completely discarded, I would still go cautiously.
I know that this is not how many people would advise you to live your life, but my experiences have come under the banner ‘Expect the Unexpected’.
It’s safer this way.
I hope you find a peaceful path, and this person stays on the periphery!
Warm wishes,
Jeni
Jeni, your blog is a liberation. Thank you!
I have a question about duration. I was the victim of a narcissist in 2006, on a charity walk that went terribly wrong – she was the walker, I was support, and she ended up conducting a sustained campaign of emotional abuse against me *and my family* once we were on the road and no-one who wasn’t under her control was there to bear witness to the cruelty.
(A documentary was made about it, and in front of the cameras, she seemed glassy-eyed and reptilian but relatively normal. Not ine of the ‘charmers’. That poor filmmaker ended up breaking down in my living room weeping ‘its just that you’re so nice and they’re so… they’re just so horrible’ so at least one person outside the family saw what was going on!)
I’ve never written that down before 🙂
My question is – does she pose me any danger now?
It only occurred to me from reading your blog that she might actually be done with me, discarded and ‘vanquished’ is the word I think of.
It would be such a relief to think that she never thinks of me. If goons ever came after me, I wouldn’t (currently) be that surprised if they were sent by her on account of I know her to be evil, and I associate evil with continuity and long-term scheming.
Having used me up and spit me away, am I actually – or even possibly – rid of her?
A great site, I am glad I found it. 2 relationships with 2 Narcissists later, I
Survive. But left with scares and pain and tears. 25 years of bad judgements on who would love me….ultimately neither of them did.
But I don’t believe Narcissists love themselves totally, I think they love and hate themselves too. They tag along with people who at first are attracted to them and then grow to love them. But they can show their dark sides early on in a relationship but many of us see the red flag and delude ourselves …. be cause we are desperate for their love.
Narcissists are usually immature emotionally, but also very selfish.
Thanks, Lennie.
Will definitely follow up!
warm wishes,
Jeni
Very interesting piece. Thank you for sharing, Jeni. I found this description to be especially powerful: “Relationships with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).”
Narcissistic relationships can be so devastating. I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to compose and curate so much valuable writing on the topic. One article that I would encourage you to share is Dr. Lisa Firestone’s interview on the psychological effects of narcissistic relationships: http://www.psychalive.org/2013/04/narcissistic-relationships/
http://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/mourning-the-narcissist/