From Victim to Victor: Dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
This is a fantastic resource full of great advice for dealing with a NPD in your life.
10 Steps to FREEDOM from Narcissistic Abuse by Invicta Ma
by InvictaMA 2009-2013
POSTED BY INVICTA MA
http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com.au/2009/01/ten-steps-to-freedom-from-narcissists.html
“love bombing” that I am sure many of those victimised by narcissists experience. In real life, a girlfriend who turned out to be a narcissist thought the world of me, came to me for advice, and would do anything for me; she was so like me, and so perfect until the cracks began to show. They cannot keep up the facade for very long. But they are masters, if you don’t know better, at getting you hooked.
This feeling of “love” that we have is more intense than normal because first they flood you with expressions of love and then they withhold and then they give a little, and over time this changes our brain chemistry- it’s a form of manipulation, control and brainwashing.
There is no doubt that we have loved. It’s just that narcissists can’t love you back. And there is no doubt that it is not a good idea to depend on the strength of your feeling for a narcissist, but to listen to your gut. What happens with these types is that we get so caught up in the feeling and don’t listen to the alarms and red flags that usually guide our way.
1. Educate Yourself
The most important thing you need to do is learn everything you can about the disordered and how they operate. You must educate yourself. Repeat and repeat and repeat. Unless you educate yourself you will never be free of their toxic enmeshment. Because they don’t think and feel as we do, we cannot treat them like we do “normal” people/ourselves. Nor is it any use feeling sorry for them when you are trapped with them because they will simply use all your feeling against you. You need to harden your heart in order to see very clearly what you are dealing with.
2. Observe and Trust Your Gut
Distinguish between what is feeling in yourself and your gut instinct, and switch to trusting your gut. You are in poor physical and emotional and mental health because you are struggling to
understand behaviour that on the surface contradicts the words.
Never listen to words. Observe the behaviour. It is by behaviour that we really know people. Words are just a con job. You are worn out and sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right (because s/he tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be a scientist. Silently observe what is really happening.
3. Stay Out of Their Head
Get back inside your own where you belong. It’s a mindfulness thing. Watch how hard that is because they’ve trained you well. Don’t try to figure out what they’re up to, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into their head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalise their behaviour, trying to manipulate them, and especially getting sucked into the content.
When you catch yourself, wrench yourself away from it and think about something else. I used to use a Hebrew blessing as a mantra when my mind wandered into poisonous realms. This is a challenge because it takes a huge force of will to do this and goes against all the training they gave you to ensure that they take up all the space inside your head.
4. Ignore Content
There is no content for narcissists except the kind that will suck you in. I had to train myself to ignore the content. It’s not a question of belief or disbelief. It’s about tearing yourself away from everything being about them during all your waking hours and probably your dreams.
Do not listen to or give importance to the content of what narcissists say. It is their way of sucking you into their world and keeping you there, a world of total mindfuck where you always end up the bad guy. They don’t make common sense and keep moving the boundaries and goalposts to keep you destabilised.
Listening to the content stresses your cognitive functioning- it is crazymaking. Know that whatever they say has something in it for them, no matter how reasonable or wonderful it seems. It is all about them and they want you to be all about them as well and they will do and say anything to you to keep you trapped in their little dream world. Instead, observe what they are doing.
5. Protect Your Assets.
If need be, squirrel away money. They will bleed you dry. Protect anything that is precious to you. If you think about being fair and noble, you might be left destitute.
6. Silence is Golden
It is natural to want to share yourself with your soulmate. But you do not have a soulmate; you have a narcissist pretending to be a soulmate. Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel. You cannot move them. They will use it against you. The more open you are, the more artillery they have. They love for you to share. If you need to say anything, either dissemble or be vague or neutral or change the subject. Everyone has ways to withhold, so use your particular way to protect yourself.
7. Who Are You?
Know what you stand for and know what you are willing to live and die for. Or anyone can persuade you of anything. Without knowing yourself, you have few boundaries about what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. Strengthen that belief system and set of values that you cherish. Then you will know what to do and how to act and not waver.
8. It’s a Marathon
Keep observing and reading. Once you learn what manipulative tricks they can use, you will observe them happening. This is a huge reinforcement for you, a way of deprogramming from the illusion of great, soulful love or familial love or friendly love they have set up for you. This does not happen overnight. It’s a long distance goal. Be kind to yourself and patient. You are learning new ways to act in the world and redefining yourself and your beliefs, especially about people and relationships. Give yourself time to deal with all that’s happening. Nothing will change overnight. It’s a marathon.
9. Get Support
Anyone dealing intimately with the disordered is going to be emotionally and mentally abused. It’s important to have support whether it is a good friend, a counsellor, a group for the abused, even the internet though that is a more dangerous undertaking and not one I recommend. Along with support, the most important thing is to start to get back your health and your sanity with small things that give you pleasure or joy or peace. We all have something we love to do.
I would also recommend that if you seek counselling that you find someone in your area that deals with trauma and/or abuse. Do not try this over the internet or by phone. In addition, do not buy e-books that invariably are self-published, because they don’t answer to any mental health, ethical or professional standard; charlatans/narcissists abound on the net.
10. Nurture Your Soul
Once in a while, do some small kind thing for someone that will make their day. Do it anonymously and quietly. Say something complimentary to someone, even a stranger. Make one of your little dreams come true, for yourself. Get back in touch with your religion if you have a faith. Breathe in the fresh air and know that one day you will be free and life will be so much better
Jeni,
The level and depth of your advise give an interesting and helpful perspective. On a scale low moderate and high levels of NPD. Which would you say your advise would be most effective with or targeted to?
Roy
Great post, I needed this. This is what I have been dealing with for 2 years and only after reading this I now know what went wrong and why he gets so angry when I share my emotions or when e makes me cry. I now know why he turns around a week later and apologizes and tells me he understands and will do better only to slide back in a matter of days to the same behavior. Why he can’t stand the thought of settling down in fear of losing female friends. The answers he claims he didn’t have for me and could only offer sorry to where all written right here.
Oh, Chad! Hugs to you. ‘Blinkers off!’ is my advice, and start working on you – somewhere along the way you’ve lost your sense of ‘Self’. Have a look at my SlideShares and I hope they give you some insights into what’s happening for you. Warm wishes, Jeni.
Please share these other links on Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/red-flags-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-a-powerpoint-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/moving-on-from-narcissistic-abuse-due-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/verbal-abuse-and-the-narcissist-communication-tactics-designed-to-make-you-crazy
Hi Bari, the exhaustion from the fallout of Narcissistic Abuse is a shocker. I hope you can find your strength and peace. You may find some solutions in my SlideShares, although the greatest issue for most victims is how hard it is to move on. Warm wishes, JeniPlease share these other links on Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/red-flags-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-a-powerpoint-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/moving-on-from-narcissistic-abuse-due-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/verbal-abuse-and-the-narcissist-communication-tactics-designed-to-make-you-crazy
Hi Eileen,
These SlideShare links may help you to explain to others but from my experience unless they’ve personally dealt with this, most people will not understand. The struggle to find your freedom is an area common to all Narcissistic Abuse survivors and one I’m working on at the moment. I hope you find your peace! Hugs, Jeni
Please share these other links on Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/red-flags-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/narcissistic-victim-syndrome-a-powerpoint-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/moving-on-from-narcissistic-abuse-due-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/verbal-abuse-and-the-narcissist-communication-tactics-designed-to-make-you-crazy
Fantastic to hear from you LM. Here’s to ‘Never Again!’
Hi Eileen,
Moving on from Narcissistic Abuse seems to be the big hurdle that most people can’t seem to get over. I’m currently creating my 5th SlideShare in a series about this very issue, so stay tuned. In the meantime, my belief is that the key to moving on is not knowledge, it’s in re-creating our lost/damaged/destroyed ‘Self’. Finding our true self and staying faithful to our true self, may be the elusive key to moving forward.
I’m so tattered and feel week to fight back but I find the morsal of strength to get over each hurdle. My mother was and still is a “N”. Never felt love from her unless I could do something to please her, which wasn’t many. Then I married a “N” an evil thoughtless hollow man. Psych games were in less. I know there’s a place in hell for him, he should be in prison. I have so much to share but a lot of people do not understand what a narcissist is, really is. And many times get misdiagnosed, unfortunately. I am away from him but still having trouble with my freedom, why?
Thank You. It took me 6 years to get a Narcissist out of my life. She moved into my life, into my house, at a time when I had just moved into a little country town after my mother died and I was very lonely and vulnerable. She preyed on me – she crazied my mind – she stole from me – she literally nearly drove me mad. My friends were astounded and without the professional assistance I sought she’d still be there. She was and remains insane. She has all the traits of narcissism – including being violent when it suited her. I promised myself I’d get rid of her and I did. She has nearly completely left my life and I take pleasure in watching her go. She cost me time, money and self-esteem – but most of all precious time. She made me feel responsible for her life – unbelievable that I bought it! She looked so good and she was so ugly under it all. Thank you for this article. I have printed it out. It will keep me on track as I watch her shadow disappear over the horizon of my life – never to be seen again . . .
Excellent post. The writer raises very valid points to be mindful of when dealing with your own patterns in relationship with a narcissist.
Ty so much for this post. I sure wish I had this prior to getting involved with my 6 year relationship I am in now. I’m so tired of what I consider emotional abuse from him because of his N personality. Every time I try to share my feelings I’m victimized, I’m always punished for something I have said or done, and of course he is never wrong. I sure wish I had the strength to leave bc I badly want out of my misery.
If anyone has good advice or would like to talk please email me because I would love all the help I can get.
Thanks,
Barirosofsky@gmail.com
I am recently coming out of a 6 year relationship with someone who matches everything about those with NPD. I was married to her for 5 of those 6 years. We only split up about two weeks ago. I loved her so much, and still feel that I do love her. The first year of our relationship was magical. She loved me to an incredible degree. She told me everyday how much she cared, how much she missed me when I wasn’t home, how much she needed me. Then she got pregnant with our first child. After he was born, things seemed to change. Sometimes she loved me, sometimes she was indifferent, sometimes she hated me. Everything was my fault. Her unhappiness, her depression, our home not being clean (although she didn’t work and I worked 50-60 hours a week). Then suddenly, she was loving again for a bit, then indifferent. This cycle went on for some time. She got pregnant with our second child and after she was born, my wife became enraged at my family (mother, sister, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, nephews, etc.) and managed to convince me that if I loved her I wouldn’t have anything to do with them anymore. Over the course of a year or so she managed to isolate me from all family and friends, so that the only people I saw or talked to were her and her family. She constantly told me how bad of a person I was and how lucky I was to have her. She’d withdraw from me and then suddenly she loved me again and things were happy for a while. This went on and on until, about three weeks ago, I found out she was cheating on me. I stupidly tried to convince her that I loved her, not to leave me, etc. She threw me out a week ago, slapped me with a no contact order (so I can’t see my children on Thanksgiving) and has basically moved the other guy into our house. Her mother emptied our bank account, so I have no money. And still, to this moment, a small part of me wishes she would stop it and take me back. I’m working on it slowly but surely.
My heart goes out to all of you and I do feel your pain . I have been with an “N” for 6 Years and I keep seeing his true colors. We have broken up and gotten back together too many times. Anyway, please don’t hesitate to contact me if I can help with or listen. I am very educated with this and I would love to try and help you with your situation. Maybe we can help each other 🙂 Laura.miller67@yahoo.com
Be patient.
Your husband will only be receptive to what you are saying when he’s ready!
Hi,
I’m very glad that I’ve found this article. Because I’ve encountered this behavior for the first time in my life and I don’t quite know how to deal with it…. it is one of my husband’s daughter from his previous marriage. The girl is 26 yrs. Often I see all the points described in the article, and even strongly in # 5 and 8. I’ve tried to my husband, but it always turned out like I’m making these observations up. He had experienced a difficult marriage from previous marriage, the ex-wife is one nut case in this regard and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
I’m wondering how to talk to my husband or even approach him about what I saw in the daughter’s behavior and so he doesn’t get taken advantage of and that doesn’t cause us fights. Please help!
It makes me feel good that I’m not making these things up.
Yeh, if I had read these descriptions about what its like to be with (and recover from having been with) a narcissist I never would have really believed it could be that full on. But I just came out of one that lasted 3 years. I am also intrigued by how prevalent it is in society. It actually must be far more prevalent in women. Men are brought up in their pack and punch each other into line for this kind of thing. Narcisist males come from privaldeged families. But the narcisisst women come from broken families. Is something in that deep down in their core they dont believe in love anymore but they want to survive and to be ambitious and the utility of their vagina is far too powerful for them to ignore. They use it in every sense from flirtation to switching and swapping boyfriends depending on what job(s) they need done for their own selfish ambitions. This girl before me needed a carpenter to help build her veterinarian clinic – Guess what? Carpenter boyfriend for 6 months eactly the beginning and end of the construction of the clinic.
and so on…in every example as a woman in her 30s how she is operating. And yes she has every single trait and behaviour of the NPD girlfriend that is described everywhere on the net, its like everyone has met the same person, the accuracy of the description knocks you over how a personality disorder could be so well defined such as the case of this one same NPD woman that every victim of her on the net is talking about.I feel like we all married the same woman.
This post has helped me cope. I was with my daughters dad for 4 years. Everything I ever told him he has tried to make public I am now in a custody battle with him. They can not accept the judge will not give him custody of our child. He lies and cheats. He made a public announcement that I abuse our child because she came home one day from daycare with a bruise from where a little boy bit her. Then called child services. Its hard not to play these games back but I keep I in mind he’s not a normal person.
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Nicole.
I am glad you have a found your Happy Place.
Hugs, Jeni
I spend 7 yrs married to a man with severe NPD. It was easy to get sucked in because I was in a bad place in my own life. After our daughter was born things got weird. He wanted more kids, which I didn’t want. Then I had our twin boys, and things got worse. The drinking which was my fault, him not happy with his job, my fault, everything about me was wrong. I was a bad mother, wife daughter, and professional. Even my job as a teacher was questioned, and I began to question myself. I tried to leave 2 times, but got sucked back into his lies of things will be better. Then the hiding the booze started, and finding reason to blame me and accuse me of having an affair. This all leading to him acting out physically on one of the twins at 2 1/2 years old. I got the hell out and headed to the police then to court for a restraining order then to a divorce attorney. After a long battle, I’ve been free from the marriage for almost 4 yrs.. Unfortunately my kids still have to deal with him. But my and their saving grace is that my parents and I my wonderful boyfriend helps keep them balanced and grounded.
There is hope for anyone that is in this type of relationship. But get out. It will drive you to the point of questioning everything you do.
Here’s to getting your life back Tony!
Hello Jeni,
wow i have just been reading all the comments above and I can’t believe how prevalent this behavior is in our society.
I have just 1 month ago come out of a severe relationship with an NBD and now I look back I see how bad things were but when I was in the relationship I couldn’t see it. This young women was so bad she destroyed my self esteem and confidence and has left me with not a lot of money. I have invested in her country with a house and plantation and now trying to get the money back. She was very manipulative lied to me all the time, unromantic, unaffectionate and always so much self interest as bad as a NBD gets. I am finding it really difficult to cope at the moment. I am seeing a counselor. I find it hard to see how someone can be so cruel and not have some regret or sorrow for what they have done to another person that cared for her so much. She has been on ICE got pregnant to another man had the abortion during our marriage but said as the excuse oh I was on ICE and drunk so didn’t know what I was doing!!!! I feel really angry and just want to get revenge on her but I see this will not have any affect on her because she is an empty vessel dead fish.
I will get my life on track soon I know that but I am going to be very wary of a relationship in the future.
thanks
Tony
Hi guys!
I am married to a man who suffers NPD. Let me tell you guys, His mom and sister are both Narcissists and being with them has been the worst 3 years of my life.. I know there are people out there who say there is no cure for this, but I am going to change this.. I am going to change my husband and make him feel loved and secure and feel the same way from him.. I will keep you guys posted with the progress..
Oh, Kelly, I do understand how you’re feeling. You need help, now, from someone who has a firm understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Many in the helping professions are not skilled or knowledgeable in NPD so it is imperative you find someone who is.
And repeat after me. I am not hopeless. I am not alone.
Reach out and build a support base.
The very best to you! Jeni
Hi Anastasia. Soory for the delay but life became topsy turvy.
This is a tenuous situation but the good thing is that lines of communication are still open. Especially with your son. You are in a particularly fragile place with many family relationships on the line. All I can advise is to go carefully. Slowly educate family members as to what is happening. Try to educate your son. Realise that he is an enabler, but also realise how much he has to lose in all this, too. Softly, softly is how you should go. BUT get some support for yourself, too.
Hugs to you all. Jeni
Hi Jeni I have just stumbled on this web site and I am amazed at what I am reading. My son got married last year to a lovely girl and I was over the moon. However my daughter who had known this girl for years begged me not to let the marriage go ahead because this girl was not what she made out herself to be. Well I was angry at my daughter but still happy for my son. Anyway after the wedding my son was deployed for six months and I continued to offer support to my daughter in law, but did not fall out with my daughter as she wanted me to when a huge row erupted between them both resulting in my son requesting me to mediate. On my sons return a huge party was arranged but only my daughter and I were not invited. Pictures were spread all over the local media and my daughter in law made it clear that she had her family back together and she was happy, but my daughter and I were not part of it.Since then my son when home can very rarely contact me but I do understand because they are still in the throngs of early marriage. However they are now expecting a little boy next month a little brother for her daughter from a previous relationship. I decided to write her a letter requesting that we meet up and try to heal the rift which had now gone on for eight months. My son was happy with this because we have always been a close family and any arguments were sorted and put to rest. I brought my two children up myself after being in a very abusive marriage, so we have a very close bond. To say I was devastated and shocked by the five page letter that I received back was an understatement. What was hurled at me knocked me off of my feet. I read some horrendous things and all telling me how wrong I was for my son and how I should not be part of his future, but every abusive remark was written as though my son had said it and she was supporting him. She spoke about my bond with my son and that he belonged to her now, how all her friends had taken him into her extended family so he was happy to have nothing more to do with his mother or sister. But the most painful thing is that according to her I will out of respect, be introduced to my grandson when he is born but then will never be given the opportunity to have any part in his or her daughters life. She states that my actions over the last five years have determined this and that it is not a bitter resentful revenge but of my own doing. I have asked my son if he will read the letter especially the last paragraph because I know even though she puts his name to all this, when I told him that I can’t see my grandchildren he said not to worry and that she is angry and stubborn. However he did mention one day that if he kept trying to fight my corner he would end up a single dad. My daughter told me that three years ago my daughter in law told her that she didn’t like my relationship with my son and after their marriage things would change. This my daughter just recently revealed to me after I received the letter and explained why she dosn’t like her. I have confided in a friend who said that my daughter in law sounds as though she has a Narcissistic personality and having done some research I have to say yes. She has even invited my x husband and my sister who is very much like her, to all future family celebrations but as far as myself and my daughter we will be allowed back inti her life when she decides. I was devastated to the point of nearly being hospitalised but having read up on the condition I realise that it is not my fault, I am not to blame and it is she who has the problem. I believe she was a terrible bully in school and has no girl friends. Despite all this I feel for her but most of all I am seriously worried about my son who is a very soft kind caring loving person. He has no friends only hers has now left his job to be closer to her , has fallen out with his sister but is struggling to keep in contact with me. I do feel stronger now and will take a step back but I will be there for him in the future because she is isolating and controlling him and he can’t see it. Thank you for allowing me to voice my concerns and any advice will be gratefully accepted.
Married for 25 years. Three children raised in the house of lies, control, judgement, chaos…oh, and not to forget -fun. Of course he can be fun and loving. Why else do we fall back I to believing him. Now that kids are out of house (5yrs) I started standing up for myself. Calling him out. At first he got madder and more of a bully. Then something happened. He started acting nice. Helpful. Lasted a few good months. In that time I realized I had PTSD. Even a calm joke would set me off. Crazy. That’s what I have now become. I am lost in his fantasy. I am now the bitch he always said I was. I am alone and hopeless.
Melanie Tonia Evan has a great site for narcissistic victimization. I recommend it.
To Acceptobefree,
I am so great full you took the time to tell me your story. I really felt so isolated with my situation & I’m not alone. You are going through the same thing as I am. We need to stick together & get through this. I’m sooo sorry you experienced a break down; I sure do feel like I’m there at times. This illness by far is the saddest thing to have to deal with, especially when it’s your family member. We can’t just divorce our children etc. I have been reading lots of books just to try to understand it & learn how to get my life back. It is all so confusing. I’m still very saddened. Thanks again for your support. Keep in touch.
Hugs, JennM
Thank you Jeni for answering. Your insight was very helpful. I will just continue what I’m doing from what you are saying & try to get some time in with my grandson hopefully. But that won’t remain the only focus. Becoming a stronger family within our household is the most important & we are progressing.
Hugs back, JennM
Jen,
I am in the same situation with a son who has a NP and married to a girl that has such a personality as well.
They have a son whom I dearly love and well let’s just say that because of the stress their union caused the denial of others and the effect on my other child who was in high school, I ended up in the hospital with a
breakdown. Please seek help now before something drastic happens to you as it did me.
It really took me 2 years to even come around and see what was wrong. As a child my son was really loving, as a teen ager, he began to change and show the signs of NP. I was so confused. It was not until he met his now wife that he lost all inhibitions and really gave himself to his true nature.
Let’s just say that they went to a party the night I was Bakered Acted to the hospital. He has been very angry at me because I haven’t been able to understand him. He struggles from being terribly self-centered to feeling very guilty. It is by far the saddest thing that has happened to me, and I spent the first 10 of my life in a war torn country and lost my parents and all family members.
It is something to be grieved. I feel for you. 🙂
acceptobefree
My mother is a narcissist who uses emotional manipulation to get her way. I am at the point where I want to end all communication with her for good.
She really believes that she is “special” and deserves everything handed to her on a silver platter.
If I’m not admiring her or listening to her issues, she doesn’t even have the decency to pay attention. I asked her recently what it is I do for a living. She had no clue. She knew where I worked but had no clue of what I did. She clearly hasn’t heard me for years.
Her sense of entitlement because I’m her daughter and should take care of her is just staggering. She has used me for money and was quite miffed that I wouldn’t take the day off work to drive her to a doctors appointment, set for 4 days ahead because it might snow and she didn’t want to drive.
She lies and manipulates me to get what she wants be it a drive, my guilt so I hang onto this terrible relationship.
It’s always about her! I was getting a divorce and the entire time I was upset it became about her bad marriage and how it harmed her so badly. My wound was fresh, hers was from 23 years ago.
She’s passive aggressive so she’s always later or conveniently “forgets” things control or to punish me.
Every issue in her life is someone else’s fault.
She pouts and sulks if she doesn’t get her way.
She’s told me repeatedly that I “shouldn’t aim so high because it will crush her if I fail.” My sisters and brothers call her “Eyore” as everything is a sad, lonely struggle for her.
I was all alone in labour and I called her begging for her to come be with me. She said “no, I don’t think so” and hung up. She lived 2 blocks from hospital.
She gave away the family Christmas money once to a stranger who left her gifts in an unlocked car and they were stolen. We suffered and that money was needed for us. She refused to work at all because “she shouldn’t have to” even though she complained about not having enough money for decades.
I want to cut my loses and end all contact with her but… there’s that but… Will I be a horrible person if I do?
Jenn, I really feel for you. You are in a terrible predicament, but I agree with your therapist. Salvage your immediate family first. Focus on raising your younger children and your family left at home. Do not enable game-playing so that your grandson is being used as a pawn. Refuse to play the game. I realise it will come at a cost, the loss of your grandson, but the alternative is worse, the loss of your family’s sanity.
Hoping you find a solution soon.
Hugs, Jeni
As a victim myself of a narcissistic ex. I must say that you should be aware of the early signs. My ex was always quick to get angry and undermine me. I was never allowed to have an opinion or ever dispute anything he said. They are deceiving people with two faces. When my ex wanted something (for us to purchase a home) he would be so sweet and charming. After we purchased he turned into a monster..he would make threats to me..he verbally and emotionally abused of me.. This man was just impossible. I ended up literally walking away from the this monster. Now I’m trying to sell the house to get this monster out of my life. He refuses to sell and would rather rent to keep the property and use me for my credit. He is so narcissistic that I had to get a lawyer to file a petition of action to enforce the sale of the house. He is even narcissistic with the judge..tryin to manipulate her and blame everything on me. When u get the warning signs… Just know that’s how these monsters are. They wont change. dont fool yourself. They prey on the good hearts of people. My ex was an opportunist. And almost four years after breakup I’m still dealing with his demonic ways. He refuses to split the mortgage with me..all to destroy my credit bcbi dont want him. One day house will sell. I pray to god that it will. He will burn in hell.
Sorry for all the typos its hard to see with tears in my eyes.My only suggestion to everyone here who is with a narcasist is to get out as fast as possible. Laura
Sorry for all the typos its hard to see with tears in my eyes.My only suggestion to everyone here who is with a narcasist is to get out as fast as you can. Run and never ever look back again. Laura
I have tears flooding in my eyes right now.My boyfriend is a narcasist and Ihave been through so much emotional.mental and now he has stated to get physical.we live in diffrent states do to me never feeling iI could live with his rages and emotional abuse. (That gut feeling)The things he has done to me and said .you wouldnt even do to a stray animaland on top of all that he has an affair on me for two and a half years with his ex.I still stayed because I so desperatly want things to change but iIknow they wontI have been keeping a journal to monitor his behavior. And to also know that im not losing my my sanity. its like clockwork..It breaks my heartand cuts to the very core of me to o bad because I love him with all my heart but knowhe is incapable.and he has no soul.the really hard for me is that I have to forgive myselfforallowing hin to have this control for four years.he eas my fist love in jr. High. I looked him up after 23 years and I should have kept him in the past where he belonged.they call it the past for a reason. Thsnk you so much for you article. Its dsy one for me letting go and a pray to god to give me streghnth to realky move on for good and never look back again.thankvyou again. Laura
What is the distinction between a narcissist and Peter Pan Syndrome? There appear to be a lot of similarities.
So I am a parent of a Narcissistic son. He is turning 20 this year. He is the father of my very beautiful grandson that was born 3 months premature & is now 15 months old. Very healthy & happy. Our relationship has gone to hell in the last 3 yrs because of his NP behavior. It has destroyed a very close relationship that I once had with my mother because she continues to enable & accept his behavior so therefore I am made out to be the mother who threw away her son. His NP has gotten worse since he & his girlfriend & my grandson had to move out because my husband & I have had it & decided we can’t all live together. It is wearing on our marriage & we have 2 younger children 15,11 yrs old that we need to focus on. I finally went to a therapist & that’s how I was finally told for once “You are not a bad mom”. Wow. It was nice. He was the one who helped diagnose my son & said we needed to move on focus on my other kids & get our lives back. Sounds easy? Nope I still have a grandson who we helped raise the 1st yr of his life that is being used as a tool against us. We don’t get to see him now. No contact at all. I have read books & there is not a lot of Parents with NP kids etc. Is that just not common? My other two kids are suffering tremendously without seeing their nephew & trying to understand the Disorder. So I just loose out on my “only” grandsons life until the NP realizes what is going on? It won’t happen. They are both very young parents also & immature so that does not help either. PLEASE HELP………
Pp
I have been married to a NPD enabler, while he has some of the symptoms, his mother, mother-in-law, children and grandchildren are the true narcissists. They all share the same worship of money, have no appreciation for natural beauty, have never nurtured each other or any partner that they had. They have never taken part in anything that doesn’t put them in the spotlight.
While I love my husband, I have had to accept the fact that he has used me for the last 30 years and that he is not capable of giving me unconditional love.
I’m tired of being the servant and I’m getting out before it gets worse.
Hi Jeni,
Thank you for your recent comments. You are right that the victim’s needs are irrelevant to the NPD. Remembering this helps me survive the conditions I live in. I am learning when I remind myself I am only a utensil in his life, I stay away from the hope for him to love me. And without hope I will not be disappointed. Just another survival mechanism until I’m out.
My story is so long and convoluted… 26 years married to a man with NPD and I always felt sad and sorry for him. I felt he had such potential. He was a brilliant politician that survived a horrible childhood. He constantly told me he loved me and that it was I that didn’t love him. I could never love him enough … He finally left me (for a hot woman merely 2 years older than our eldest son)…and I was devastated. 2 years later, I have come to realize that he didn’t and could not really love me…he could NEVER see me. I served a purpose in his life… People with NPD are UNABLE to really love… they are limited… (come to find out). Those 26 years were the most confusing, convoluted, painful…and ultimately miserable years of my life. I only know this NOW…now that I have seen REAL joy, love, peace, sanity…
M
I wish you every success in carving the future that you seek, and deserve!
Jeni
I do believe you can survive in your relationship with a narcissist, but it will require you finding love, affirmation and validation elsewhere than from your partner. Maybe you can find that from within, maybe from someone else in your home or support network, but it is unrealistic to expect mutual love or equality in this relationship. The Narcissist is always Number 1. Your needs are irrelevant to them.
Best,
Jeni
Every success to you for your future.
Jeni
Marcus, there’s a counselling group in Australia you can contact. They may be able to answer your question.
http://thehartcentre.com.au/relationship/what-is-narcissism-and-what-is-narcissistic-behaviour/
I hope they can direct you to a support group.
Warm wishes,
Jeni
hi, thank you for your article. I’ve been dealing with npd with my wife for quite some time. I love her a lot however I made the mistake of marrying her, it hasn’t nearly been a full month & she’s driving me insane. I’ve should’ve been cautious of the warning signs however I thought it was because of her past and the abuse she’s had.
Not fooled, she always is never the problem. Everyone else is the problem & she’s this little saint who (in her mind) everyone is out to get her & hurt her.
a few times she pulled me into her mind games to where I don’t normally lash out but i did. She has ways of turning things around & manipulating words to suit her argument against me which I’m always in the wrong according to her. It’s like she starts a problem or acts like a bitch, never sees what caused it (her) & ONLY looks at the reactions of people AFTER the fact.
The problem isn’t me, she puts me & a lot of others up on a pedestal and gets extremely disappointed when they don’t reach her expectations.
I’ve finally stopped giving her ammunition to fuel her ways, I’m wising up to her games & how she plays it. I’m still feeling like crap however I feel better knowing that I’m not in the wrong that it’s her with the problem.
I don’t know what else to do other then either suck it up or idk? is there any forums or places where I can get some support or help in AU?
Thank you for the steps and clarity! And thank you everyone for sharing! I feel more hope for dealing with my NPD partner after reading these tips, stories, and testimony.
In eight years he isolated me from friends and my 3 children. Before everyone else he has a persuasive charm, engaging them to believe he is independently wealthy, healthy, and kind. He managed to stage our relationship as a typical wonderful-man-with-crazy-wife setup. Underneath that, he got my 13 year old daughter out of my own house, then my 16 year old son, and raped my cash and credit to build a successful business then lavishly furnish his own home. He used all things to play me and destroy me while he enjoyed it; many times with a smug grin as I quaked in pain.
I am working on an escape plan and seeking support as I execute it.
I first hand know the horror that is being discussed, I am in the beginning stages of discovering about this disorder. Can a loving emotional person survive a relationship with a narcissist?? I am reading of everyone’s escape….but is it possible with patience and knowledge to stay successfully married?? I doubt my husband will ever acknowledge or seek help, I have been told to lower my expectations, find myself, and be patient….but is the love or relationship EVER MUTUAL? or do I just have to keep settling for less that I deserve and less than I am putting in?
Thank you thank you, Jeni, for an insightful and extremely helpful article. While I was told many years ago by one of a string of mental health counselors that my mother is a narcissist, I have never actually sought treatment for it in particular, nor have I delved very far into the phenomenon.
About seven years ago my mother’s hurtful rejection of my children (calling every holiday season to inform we were expressly not welcome in her home; my children were the “wrong color,” something she took as a personal attack against her sensibilities) finally led me to cease calling her. It did not escape my notice that we never spoke again; she never called me, never expressed interest to anyone in what had become of me.
Four or five years later I was injured in a critical pedestrian vs. vehicle accident. I was/am permanently wheelchair confined, a single mom with my two kids still to raise and home ownership to maintain in spite of my poverty. She came back into my life at my sister’s request.
She regained my trust little by little, only for me to re-discover that it is only for the purpose of punishing me as she destroys that trust now bit by agonizing bit. While maintaining an exterior that appears “politically correct” toward the poor, toward single moms, and minorities, she helps us (the only actual poor people she knows) only if I relinquish control of my own life to abide by her whims. She tells me emphatically that I am stupid; I find this particularly confounding as I am the only of her children to not only obtain a GED but attend university and graduate with a BA (with honors and a double major). She will actually lie, and tell people she has taken us grocery shopping during a snowstorm, when in fact she had not. She has not given my children a Christmas present since 2005. She married well and enjoys a very privileged lifestyle, so it is not due to finances. While my income, being on disability, is very limited, I still have flowers sent to her home every mother’s day, only to be criticized for spending the money. I don’t see how it can be a concern for her, though, since she does not subsidize us or help us financially. Correction, she did once in these past two years, but I am beginning to think that it was a proverbial carrot. If I “behave” she MAY she do it again, I just have to try harder.
Of course, I have to let go. Follow your sage advice and get out of her head, stop trying to appease her. I have bookmarked this page and will continue to explore your blessing of a website. I guess my first detachment didn’t run deep enough and I have to kind of start all over again. Again, thank you — your advice will surely help me along my way!
Dear Sarah and Stacy. You are preying on the weakest most desperate people. This is not a victimless crime. Anyway, I don’t want my x back. I am happy that the woman who was sleeping with my husband while I was taking care of his cranky sick mother for the two years that she lived with us, is getting exactly what she deserves, a lying cheating SOB.
I very much would like to hear from narcissists themselves. That would help me to understand what happened.