From Victim to Victor: Dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
This is a fantastic resource full of great advice for dealing with a NPD in your life.
10 Steps to FREEDOM from Narcissistic Abuse by Invicta Ma
by InvictaMA 2009-2013
POSTED BY INVICTA MA
“love bombing” that I am sure many of those victimised by narcissists experience. In real life, a girlfriend who turned out to be a narcissist thought the world of me, came to me for advice, and would do anything for me; she was so like me, and so perfect until the cracks began to show. They cannot keep up the facade for very long. But they are masters, if you don’t know better, at getting you hooked.
This feeling of “love” that we have is more intense than normal because first they flood you with expressions of love and then they withhold and then they give a little, and over time this changes our brain chemistry- it’s a form of manipulation, control and brainwashing.
There is no doubt that we have loved. It’s just that narcissists can’t love you back. And there is no doubt that it is not a good idea to depend on the strength of your feeling for a narcissist, but to listen to your gut. What happens with these types is that we get so caught up in the feeling and don’t listen to the alarms and red flags that usually guide our way.
1. Educate Yourself
The most important thing you need to do is learn everything you can about the disordered and how they operate. You must educate yourself. Repeat and repeat and repeat. Unless you educate yourself you will never be free of their toxic enmeshment. Because they don’t think and feel as we do, we cannot treat them like we do “normal” people/ourselves. Nor is it any use feeling sorry for them when you are trapped with them because they will simply use all your feeling against you. You need to harden your heart in order to see very clearly what you are dealing with.
2. Observe and Trust Your Gut
Distinguish between what is feeling in yourself and your gut instinct, and switch to trusting your gut. You are in poor physical and emotional and mental health because you are struggling to
understand behaviour that on the surface contradicts the words.
Never listen to words. Observe the behaviour. It is by behaviour that we really know people. Words are just a con job. You are worn out and sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right (because s/he tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be a scientist. Silently observe what is really happening.
3. Stay Out of Their Head
Get back inside your own where you belong. It’s a mindfulness thing. Watch how hard that is because they’ve trained you well. Don’t try to figure out what they’re up to, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into their head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalise their behaviour, trying to manipulate them, and especially getting sucked into the content.
When you catch yourself, wrench yourself away from it and think about something else. I used to use a Hebrew blessing as a mantra when my mind wandered into poisonous realms. This is a challenge because it takes a huge force of will to do this and goes against all the training they gave you to ensure that they take up all the space inside your head.
4. Ignore Content
There is no content for narcissists except the kind that will suck you in. I had to train myself to ignore the content. It’s not a question of belief or disbelief. It’s about tearing yourself away from everything being about them during all your waking hours and probably your dreams.
Do not listen to or give importance to the content of what narcissists say. It is their way of sucking you into their world and keeping you there, a world of total mindfuck where you always end up the bad guy. They don’t make common sense and keep moving the boundaries and goalposts to keep you destabilised.
Listening to the content stresses your cognitive functioning- it is crazymaking. Know that whatever they say has something in it for them, no matter how reasonable or wonderful it seems. It is all about them and they want you to be all about them as well and they will do and say anything to you to keep you trapped in their little dream world. Instead, observe what they are doing.
5. Protect Your Assets.
If need be, squirrel away money. They will bleed you dry. Protect anything that is precious to you. If you think about being fair and noble, you might be left destitute.
6. Silence is Golden
It is natural to want to share yourself with your soulmate. But you do not have a soulmate; you have a narcissist pretending to be a soulmate. Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel. You cannot move them. They will use it against you. The more open you are, the more artillery they have. They love for you to share. If you need to say anything, either dissemble or be vague or neutral or change the subject. Everyone has ways to withhold, so use your particular way to protect yourself.
7. Who Are You?
Know what you stand for and know what you are willing to live and die for. Or anyone can persuade you of anything. Without knowing yourself, you have few boundaries about what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. Strengthen that belief system and set of values that you cherish. Then you will know what to do and how to act and not waver.
8. It’s a Marathon
Keep observing and reading. Once you learn what manipulative tricks they can use, you will observe them happening. This is a huge reinforcement for you, a way of deprogramming from the illusion of great, soulful love or familial love or friendly love they have set up for you. This does not happen overnight. It’s a long distance goal. Be kind to yourself and patient. You are learning new ways to act in the world and redefining yourself and your beliefs, especially about people and relationships. Give yourself time to deal with all that’s happening. Nothing will change overnight. It’s a marathon.
9. Get Support
Anyone dealing intimately with the disordered is going to be emotionally and mentally abused. It’s important to have support whether it is a good friend, a counsellor, a group for the abused, even the internet though that is a more dangerous undertaking and not one I recommend. Along with support, the most important thing is to start to get back your health and your sanity with small things that give you pleasure or joy or peace. We all have something we love to do.
I would also recommend that if you seek counselling that you find someone in your area that deals with trauma and/or abuse. Do not try this over the internet or by phone. In addition, do not buy e-books that invariably are self-published, because they don’t answer to any mental health, ethical or professional standard; charlatans/narcissists abound on the net.
10. Nurture Your Soul
Once in a while, do some small kind thing for someone that will make their day. Do it anonymously and quietly. Say something complimentary to someone, even a stranger. Make one of your little dreams come true, for yourself. Get back in touch with your religion if you have a faith. Breathe in the fresh air and know that one day you will be free and life will be so much better
My story is the same as above. I was lonely and met a woman on line and she sucked me in. I was so in love with this woman that knew how to stroke my ego and make me feel like know other woman ever did that she cheated on me 6 times and I swore that I was done with her and she would call me when her world blew up and I bought 3 different homes with her and I am afraid that if she called me back that I might go again. She is pure evil and has used me to the point that my sons have said that if she tries to pull me back again they will take care off her for good. I’m still dad and rule but they told me she has no influence over them. I feel like a 61 year old fool that fell for a woman 11 years younger than myself over 3 years ago.
I have this colleague both she and I started working in this company on the same day just I started at where we are now and she started at the other department at another location. A few weeks after she was transferred over as my senior colleague was leaving so a replacement in our department was needed. Everybody else was so nice when I first came. But I have this problem due to other narcissitic disorder people that I have mistakenly let into my life during childhood, my life turned upside down and I slowly became a shy person who does not know how to be around people anymore as compared to before where I could just say hi to even strangers energetically and just know how to relate to people so naturally. So I did not get to bond with my other colleagues as much as I would have liked. Then she came along. I was always so nice to her. We did talk about our previous jobs which we came from the same line of FnB a really tough industry but a few days later when she met our senior colleague, her true colours began to show. She would shoot me down in front of our senior colleague. In front of our higher ups she would “scold” me for things she hasnt even learnt yet that I was doing. Like there was this email asking us to check something so I took the stack of carbon copies for that date to check which I placed on my table and she scolded me in a harsh voice, “why your table so messy?! Why is this here?!” Our higher up was just sitting in front of us. I always paitiently taught her everything I knew about the work. But when things happen which are her mistake she would act like she dont know and if I try to highlight to her so we would avoid the same problems in future she would shoot back the question at me like its is my fault or I am the one who does not know. She really knows how to shun issues and throw back problems at me. And today I was joking something with the other colleagues and she asked me “why must thank you?” I am upset because due to my flaws I could not bond much with the other colleagues but when she came she bonded with them faster and closer. But when some of them seem to be on good terms with me I can see she gets angry with me and her attitude towards me changes for the worst. She nicknames herself Angel short for Angelin but sometimes I see devil appear. Cause she can really turn nasty. She yelled at me for just putting unwanted invoices into the shared recycling box which was under her old table “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! DONT TRY TO BE FUNNY. I CAN SEE YOU FROM THE MIRROR” but everybody is suppose to throw the unwanted invoices there because that is a shared recycle box and if we dont throw there, a duplicate invoice will cause confusion. And one day I heard her complaing to another senior colleague on this incident and after she moved table the senior colleague gave her a mirror and said “so you can see any small person behind you.” I feel extremely hurt and upset because firstly i knew the senior colleague first, when she asked me how i found this narcissistic colleague I even protected her by only talking about her work performance and not her snapping at me from time to time and shooting at me. Second, this incident I was not at wrong, I was just doing my job as I was taught and she did not have to get angry or snap like that. It is many incidents like this that grieves my heart tremendously. Sometimes she is nice and i would think maybe I thought wrongly of her or maybe she has changed for the better and then I trust her again sharing with her my past experiences and work knowledge but these few days her old self is showing again. And i realise she is not grateful and she is not a friend.
Worst is she is not the only narcissist i have met in my life, in the past few years I have constantly met at least 1 or more in every workplace I go. There have been so many I have met in many places, makes me question sometimes, am I doing something wrong? Why am I so hated? Am I just wrong to be here in the first place? Because they are nice to everybody else except me. And they always so easily turn everybody else against me. Making me the bad guy, making me from always doing right by them and everybody else to being the person at fault. Making me feel just so unwanted and not meant to be there. Like I dont belong. Narcissist make me suffer. They ruin my life. My family. My career. And most importantly all my relationships have been wrecked in someway or another, thanks to them.
I just never know how to defend myself against them because they always get so chummy with everybody else and people rather be fair to them then me and side with them over me. Also I nust dont know how to guard myself against them because if I let too much of myself to them they take advantage and abuse, if I dont and try to be vague and distant, they will be nice and end up making me out to be the one who has not poured into the relationship or been sincere. Like im the one who isnt the good person basically. I have been gaslighted, bullied and badmouthed by them and everybody they pull to their side. I am immensely grieved, troubled and deeply upset many times over, my life is topsy turvy and my personality a mess thanks to narccisist personalities in my life.
I am so sorry to hear this. This is something you did not foresee, and your daughter’s behaviour towards you is not deserved. I hope you can find a way through so you can have a relationship with your granddaughter – post, email, somehow! Hugs, Jeni
I was married to a narcissist for 22 years. After repeated infidelity, I finally go out. It was extremely hard, but thought I would be ok. I married a wonderful man who is my best friend. About a year ago, I saw some things happening with my adult daughter. Last May, she decided she no longer needed to talk to me. I have seen her family a couple of times since then (they live in another state) Each time there was a lot of discounting and ignoring of me. The last time I saw her she acted as if I didn’t exist–I was referenced to as if I was dead. She had major surgery–still has yet to talk to me. She told me not to call her. A month ago, I finally realized what was going on–she is a narcissist. The pain is great because I potentially may not see the only granddaughter I have. It hurts to see her so detached from her own daughter. I am struggling so much because this is the second time in my life I am going through this abuse. I just don’t know what to do. I have started therapy, but I am so angry that I am doing this again!!!
I have a 23 year old son who I strongly believe is a victim of Stockholm Sydrome/Narcissism. His wife is 4 years older, he met her at his first job right out of college. The relationship moved quickly and they moved in together after a month and a half of meeting. She worshipped him, bought him expensive gifts and “appeared” to be his “dream girl”. My son and I have always been close, we could talk about anything. This girl has single handedly estranged us from him, moved him to another state and we cannot get him to respond to us. This is a nightmare that has been going on for 2-1/2 years. She got pregnant within a few months of them being together, she had an abortion, they got engaged a week later. She and her parents proceeded to plan an elaborate wedding and undermined everything I attempted to do to help. I tried so hard to bond with this girl on some level but something kept screaming inside of me that this was terribly wrong. I tried to talk to my son about it, he would defend everything she did. Even though they had a wedding planned she talked him into going to the courthouse to get married 2 months before their wedding. Our son did not invite us, I simply found out about it through mother’s intuition. To say this girl is a nightmare is an understatement. I went 18 months without seeing my son. My husband and I had a business trip planned to the area where our son lives so we decided to make a surprise visit. He was home alone and was elated to see us. It was like no time had passed. He promised we would keep in touch and that he would try to come home for Christmas. This was early October (last month) and now nothing again. We can’t get him to answer our calls or texts. I’m desperate and I don’t know what to do. To make matters worse, everything points to her being a prescription drug addict as well. Please help!
This is such a tough situation. I understand completely. I just hope you can find a way to navigate through this that brings you peace. Hugs, Jeni
To Guy Bugden…OMG…IT’S LIKE YOU ARE TELLING MY STORY!!! My son is 35 and after spending days and days telling us how much he disliked his girlfriend, (who is the narcissist) didn’t love her, wanted her out of his life…he has now turned on us and blamed us for the troubles in their relationship. And they are thousands of miles away!!! And the disrespect he levels at us is breathtaking! While we have set boundaries against the “screw yous” they level at us, we sit and hope he comes to his senses someday.
Thank goodness i found you! My husband and I are trying to deal with our son’s narcissist girlfriend of 6 years. We had some time alone with him (his choice) and he spent 4 days telling us how much he disliked her, etc etc. 4 Days!!! But now he’s being manipulated by her and she is now directing her venom at us and my daughter-in-law. We are keeping a low profile but I fear we will lose him to her. And I’m having a hard time dealing with the passive aggressive behaviour..I don’t understand it. We even took her in for a year when her parents wouldn’t. I try to keep busy…volunteer to help others and repeat the mantra directed at her..”I wish you health, I wish you happiness, I wish you fulfillment”. And other times, I dissolve in tears. Thank you for this website and the tools you teach to deal with narcissists.
It’s a complex situation for you Robert. I hope you find a way to live in peace!
Your article has given me hope in understanding my wife and adult son and two daughter who have families of there own have turned against me.We been married 46yr and I Amit Iwas no saint in our relationship I stopped drinking which she says was no big deal.I want it all to stop but my adult son and daughtes help her with her smear campaign my grandchildren are at risk.My son even councils excuse me for saying this cookos for department of corrections in the small city of Merce CA. Thank you for letting me share. Robert Elias
May you heal, trust, and love again! Wishing you peace, Jeni
I am so happy to have found this site and its teachings and explanations.
I was torn, heart broken. confused on why someone who told me they loved me as they did left me “hanging”.
I’m divorced mother of 2 who has spent her time being strong, independent, and for re most part alone… Afraid to love again, afraid to trust someone other than myself… I began a life style of meaningless encounters because it allowed no expectations or complications… But in the end never fullfilling long term. I decided after many years to once again play a hand in this thing called love.
I met “the one” finally!! He loved me, he understood my fears & distrusts, he accepted me, he said things that make one feel all warm & fuzzy… I was ready to love & be loved. He spoke of marriage. We were planning to move in together in fall of this year, I was scared at times but wanted to believe that was normal since I was independent for so long speaking in the terms of us and not I was new, but I liked it. We got along fantastic, talked for hours, laughed even more. We both told each other we believed we went thru all the bad stuff before each other because it was preparing us for “each other”.
What a joke! The first argument we ever had, the relationship ended. I brought up some concerns, some things I felt required compromise to better us & our future together. ( simple things like please stop talking about your job so much). Everything I said was turned into me putting him down, saying he wasn’t good enough when words as those were never spoken… I felt horrible almost like I wish I just shut up because now he is upset w me.
He vanished… Won’t respond to me, talk to me, see me, nothing. It was so confusing and hurtful to spend 7 glorious months w someone you thought was real and loved you to the realization they don’t even care if I’m alive how is that possible? How can they make you feel like everything then make you feel like your nothing to them. It had been a roller coaster to say the least. I’m hurt very badly and angry I chose to love after so long to only find out I was in love with the “idea” of someone cause their truth was never revealed until I had some of my own expectations. I began researching narcissistic behavior as I felt things just didn’t make sense. I’m thankful I researched… I am fully aware I will have to do the ” time” to heal from this.
Educate, educate, educate yourself.
These links may help…http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/red-flags-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter
I hope you find your way back to your old self.
t’s fantastic you have committed to support and understand your wife – not
an easy position to be in!
All I can say is: 1) Stay Strong; 2) Set your boundaries and stick to them;
3) Don’t attempt to educate someone who does not wish to be educated; 4)
have realistic expectations that you’re in for a long haul, a very long
haul; 5) Work out a time line that you’re prepared to stick things out, and
a plan of what you will do if you reach this time and things haven’t
changed; 6) seek support, preferably from someone not in your personal
I wish you peace.
I am so sorry to hear such a tragic story and can only say I hope that ‘venting’ has helped. I can also wish you all the very best for moving on with the rest of your life. You need to Let It Go. Write a new chapter for your life.
I wish you happiness.
I was in an identical position to you. It was through this horrific relationship that I began to research and came across NPD. I researched this for many years, eventually publishing a ‘book’ called Kiss Kill. It is a fiction book that uses lots of indifferent ways to tell the story. The main character is a teenage boy. This boy puts up with escalating abuse until he has a lightbulb moment, that his girlfriend is not the perfect partner he fell in love with. This scene in the book is told through a song. Maybe your son can relate to some of it.
If your son can be coerced into reading it, Kiss Kill was written for young men just like him. You can get it at Amazon at:
Another scene is told through film and again, I’m sending the link.
Initially, my son dismissed everything I tried to tell him about NPD. But, over time, more and more negative things happened to him. Each time I quietly discussed NPD. When he was ready, I gave him other boys/men’s stories to read. He could relate to some of them. Like a dripping tap I persisted. It took a very long time but eventually, he recognised the relationship for what it was.
I wish you well.
Hi, Im a father and my beautiful son age 21 has been in relationship with his girlfrind 18 now for two years.
After Reading about NPD, Im finally getting some answers .
In Short Npd, explains his girlfriend to a tee ,But realising far to late about what the hell is going on with my son over this time with her.
His Behavour and unforgiving total lack of disrespect……… Is gut wrenching !
Over the last two years Our lives have been turned upside down , my main concern is how its effected my son, Having a girlfriend, who Has taken Control of him,
And he wants to be with her ! or is trapped.
As he Defends her 100% over anyone.
All But destroying his whole family causing many fights.
He has changed so much i hardly even know him anymore and we have been blamed for everything.
We and anyone close to the family have been Abused by His girlfriend , and now him,
We have also been in the middle of a couple of her Phycotic Toxic episodes . Very Scary ,
Ive never seen that behavour before in my life of 52 years.
We have realised that the more we try pull them on their behavior together and how thet treat people,
It just digs us deeper into a Hole and pushes our relationship further apart as a Family..
We are being urged to let their poor decisions and behaviour go, so we can all just be happy again.
Until the next timeI cant even get him to a therapist as he cant go anywhere on his own,
We do not know what to do.
Everything has deteriorated to a No Talking to each other anymore situation.
This really hurts, what do we do now .
I am Stumped.
Do we let it be ,and hopefully know my son again one day when he finally realises himself .
Anyway Thanks . Guy.
Hi, I seem to be trapped in a relationship with someone showing extreme signs of npd. I love him very much but i am emotionally strained. He expects me to be at his beck and call. he abuses me verbally. emotionally and physically. I have been married twice before but sadly lost both my husbands to illness. My previous marriages were great. I now find myself becoming like the monster that i am living with. He thinks that he is superior to everyone else, never has a good word to say about anyone, constantly belittles me and has tried turning people against me. He has me in a trap, i have nowhere to go to as in all this time i have been helping with his business. He provides for the home but at a cost with remarks like oh i have to go out and work while you are at home but forgets that i do just as much as his business is home based. I thought i was going crazy until i stumbled across a npd website. I used to be a loveable person, jovial happy but now i am just a shadow of my former self. How do i get out of this relationship. i am from south africa
Sorry for how long this will be. 6+ weeks. (Since my final discard)
I know all the facts. I know I should just suck it up and move on. Each day gets a little better. But it still hurts so much. Red flags from the beginning. She left a marriage for me. I knew the guy (not well) but I was independently friends with both of them over 10 years, so I wasn’t shocked that they didn’t work out he had money and the worst personality. But what I didn’t know was near the end of them that she was turning to social media and targeting me as new supply/target to leave the marriage. I was so strong in our relationship I actually got sick of her insulting her ex husband (actually still not divorced ;3 years separated) I stood up for him at one point and I was like “that’s enough. I don’t believe you about him. It’s too much” on and on about how awful he was. Again I was strong. I ignored the California guy (different guy) that would call her in the middle of the night because I felt confident. She wouldn’t pick up when I was with her and I was confident. She and California guy actually had tried to make it work years before she married but it failed within weeks. He remains her impossible “one that got away” idealization. She has emotional affairs with him when she needs it. I had a book launch that was all about me: friends family art music fun. And she created a controversy that evening about me “groping” my other female friends bottom. Didn’t happen. But she used it as an excuse to call the California guy in her car on the way home to “end it forever”. Who calls to end it forever?! And she only admitted this to me because I felt something and asked. I always had premonitions to her betrayal. I was reluctant for a very long time in our relationship and thank god. I know now that nacs/cluster bs don’t like you to be too easy of supply nor too impossible of supply and I stayed safe and confident in the middle. I loved her very much. I was incredibly happy. I knew I wanted to marry her after a few short weeks (again I had known her nearly 10 years prior. We kissed in the early days years ago but never dated she married the guy I dated her friend it was a long star crossed love) in my mind and in my heart we had a beautiful romantic story. She was in a marriage with a guy that wouldn’t last and I was dating her friend I knew it was going no where. We loved each other for years I thought. And again, I got “lucky”. I was “in control” of my relationship with her. Not that I was cruel. I only wanted to be happy and laugh and eat well and go to galas and comedy shows and films and dog parks. And we did all that. I had never been so happy in my life. Her family was always cold to me. I assumed it was because they were still in shock about the marriage or not speaking up about her former husband, that is seeing that it was a bad match. I believed in love. I thought they were reluctant with me because I was new. And I’m was a young man stepping into this recently divorced woman’s life with her 2 year old son. What I have come to realize is they are culpable and they help her hurt and discard. She’s the golden child. They come from money and they just throw money at problems and make things go away. She has horrible issues with her mother and abuse and physical issues and weight issues and all sorts. She lied at parties. Her friends (she had only 2 I could see regularly. Where i had many many friends different walks of life different lifestyles different parties) her friends were sick of her and rolled their eyes at some of her old stories. Lies about being tough. Beating up: skin heads herself, fending off police officers herself, fighting large women herself. Just how amazing she was. She didn’t listen. she waited to talk. But I still accepted her. And that’s what hurts. Whatever I did to mess it up?! She kept increasing behavior that made me nervous and uncomfortable. This behavior was Sexually social. Nothing major but it was increasing in severity. And I was getting uneasy and maybe got a little impatient and cold by the 5th or 6th offense. We never fought except for those weird party sexual mistakes or flirting mistakes she’d make. I knew the end was coming when she took back to the Internet. Facebook and Instagram became her ego boosts. Nearly nude photos of herself in bikinis replaced Buddhist quotes and pictures of her son. It was all about her now. And I could feel it. I knew I was on the way out. That was about March 1st. We split. I felt it coming I was at the gym and noticed her talking online with men and women she allegedly hated. I said, “pack my things” she did. My gut was to walk. But as it became real. I told her I didn’t want to stop the relationship. I didn’t. I wanted to marry her. Go back to the ideal. But now I know what was impossible. Over the 2 months split. I think California dude flew in and hooked up with her. I also, now paranoid, believe she hooked up with a friend that has acted crazy weird since we have split. And would be one of the only people I know that would betray me in that way. I had a place but moved in with my mom one town over to not drink stay sober not date other girls. I was trying to show my dedication to her while she fed me crumbs and did God knows what. One day we were slightly talking and she kind of agreed to therapy. I set it up. She canceled on the day of so I couldn’t get a refund. Of course. Then I went nc on her. She hoovered my back 2 weeks later. Literally not talking or explaining even what our break up was about. Isn’t that insane?!? I still don’t know what the break up was about. Because she wouldn’t talk to me like a person. The Hoover lasted 2 weeks or so (this included my birthday. Jesus the birthday card is nothing but clues about leaving me) . I was having nightmares and I know I wasn’t going to stay. Everything in her life was new and she was letting me back in to see how happy she was going to be. Final discard was over nothing. We had a “fight” more of a frustrated conversation that she manufactred in order to break us up. I literally told her “I can’t say anything. If I stand up for myself if will go bad and if I lie down and take this it will hurt me”. I being a human apologized that night and the following day for being emotionally drained. It was ok. We were still talking and texting ‘sweet dreams’ ‘I miss you’. But it was just enough to keep me on the hook. That Friday she slept with someone else and spent the entire day with him Saturday. I didn’t know this until her friends called me and told me. “You’re a good guy. She does this”. Sunday I still had no idea about the other guy. I texted her and told her I loved her and I believed in us. She said “I can’t” “I’m spent” “it isn’t good” “we aren’t compatible”
I called and she picked up to hear my sorrow. I didn’t have the time to say what I wanted but I told her I also felt like I needed an apology from her. She said, “I don’t owe you an apology for even one microscopic thing” she was sleeping with someone else while texting me sweet dreams. She told me we would speak in person later that week and we never did. She threw my remaining items from her place on my moms lawn in the middle of the night. She texted ” I tried again because I love you. it’s done the things are on your moms lawn. You deserve better. I wish you love”
So she vanished and we haven’t talked in 6 weeks. It’s hurts. That’s all. The best love I have ever known was make believe. I believe in love more than God and for these people to use it for cruelty is nothing I could have ever imagined. I miss her son and I feel so sorry he’s going to see a new “uncle daddy” every year and a half forever. I loved him like a son.
Great post, thank you Jeni.
I am in an unusual situation. My wife has fallen in love with a narcissist. We’ve been together for a long time, and at a time when we were having relationships issues and she was experiencing a combination of her own life crisis’, a narcissist crossed her path and hooked her. I love her deeply, she loves me and wants to stay with me. One of the problems is that its not possible to have no contact with him and he keeps hooking her and reengages with her and she’s struggling to break free from the attraction for him. There could be other reasons for her not breaking her attraction, but I honestly believe that it is due to his ability to manipulate her emotions and chemicals in her brain.
What do I do to help her? I’m willingly committed to support her.
How do I deal with him (I know him and have unavoidable contact with him on an occasional basis)?
There’s very little advice out there for the partner of a narcissist victim.
Your experiences are horrific. I really feel for you and send my love. Every day, in some small way, I hope you can move on. Hugs, Jeni
I completely understand your situation, your losses, and the sadness insight brings. I wish you a smoother journey. In terms of your sibling, all I can say is you are being manipulated and controlled. Don’t play her game. And try not to worry about the smear campaign. Accept that this is a weapon of choice of the narcissist. Accept that whilst many will believe it, those that see through the empty words, are those who will stand by you. These are the people you should seek. Hugs, Jeni
I am still reeling from an argument with my sibling more three years ago. I lost my temper And was told to get out and never come back. There was much stress with our sick Mom and I asked if we could meet as I was sorry we left things the way we did. There have been excuses after excuses. I live far away and miss my Mom very much. It has fallen on me to advocate for my Mom while my sibling complains she is difficult and has always been so. Mom is in care and really needs someone to advocate. She warned me before she went into care that my sibling was difficult and said I would find out. Those words haunt me now as does the breakdown of our relationship. We used to be very close and now I get the odd message or email which is filled with some news, but lacks warmth and sincerity. I found this article very helpful as I have been feeling sick and sad with the loss of my Mom to dementia and now the loss of my sibling. Messages were even sent to one of my kids to suggest I had mental health problems which needed more treatment and better management. I rue the day I confided so much. I dread to think what has been said to people about me – Having been privy to what my sibling complains about and sneers other people. I really do feel quite ill when I think about what has happened. For the sake of our dear Mum we should not be like this. Your article made some sense out of this mess to me. Thank you.
I was married to a monster with mixed narcissitic-antisocial personality disorder for 14 yrs. He’d throw me against the wall and insist it never happened although I was black and blue, that he was going to have me committed for delusional thinking. When he beat our 4 y/o son I started planning my escape. I was terrified for our safety. He discovered where I’d hidden the paperwork, drugged my food, and raped my unconscious body, impregnated me (he hadn’t touched me for yrs prior saying no one wd want me, even though I’d done modeling). He insisted it was the result of “all our lovemaking”!! He wdnt work and refused to allow me to take only 1 of our 3 children at a time from the home I bought. I finally found the strength to take his name off my checking acct the keep him from spending my earnings on other women instead of me being able to feed, clothe,shelter the family. My work sent me to several conferences to become more assertive, resulting in him saying he felt he should move out and we cd “rekindle our romance”. I’d bn begging for yrs he let me and the children free but he’d just get angry and physically abusive w me each time. All I cd think was if I just got him out then I’d just need to keep him out for us to be safe. He emptied the house completely and took our children when I was at work.praise God I was able to get them back through the court. The divorce was considered the most vicious (on his count) by the legal system in the metro area. We eventually went through 3 separate mediations and court-ordered psycho eval, during which he was diagnosed. I agreed to give him all money, possessions, half equity, and 1/3 of my retirement but not custody of the children although court allowed him to have unmentioned visitation every other weekend. All visitation was stopped when the 3 children received pro Bono help from atty, when they testified in closed door hearing that he’d serially abused them all and forced them to watch him make brownies with dog feces in them and take them to the Sunday school class he taught to young children. Finally the children and I were able to begin to heal, although I eventually had to move across the country when he found us the last time 500 miles away from him. We still have violent nightmares from the horror. I wd have killed him decades ago but feared what wd happen to my children if I were in prison and the fact that God wdnt forgive me for murder. We’ve now been divorced for 24 yrs. The last time he found us was 9 yrs ago. I now live in upscale neighborhood in which my entire home is visible to all neighbors (many retired and home or walking during the day. Gates to my spiked fence are all key locked. I have 2 50# well-trained guard dogs and firearms hidden strategically in my home. If you live with someone with that diagnosis, RUN do not walk!! It took too many yrs to get anyone to believe me. When police WOULD respond he always pulled up to them, saying I was just crazy or jealous of other women. Through yrs of counseling I realized the true evil he had systematically heaped upon all of us. I will never put myself in such a vulnerable situation again and my 3 children had no intention of ever marrying although eldest daughter eventually found a truly good man and married. Sadly, her husband is now the victim of her treating him the way she saw her father treat me.
I have narcissistic personality disorder. This was a difficult article to read. I had to steel myself against the insidious implications that I am some sort of monster. Perhaps some with NPD are. Others, like myself, experience the disorder only insofar as it inhibits their ability to form positive intimate relationships, but stops short of forcing negative relationships.
I am aware of other’s emotions – my interpretations and inferences are not always correct, and sometimes come too late, but I try as much as I am able to integrate the emotions of others into my daily life. However, I do not find myself instinctually caring about others’ feelings. Rather, I must use the greater logical reasoning capacity I experience (high-functioning Asperger’s) to treat the stable, positive emotional states of others as important and relevant to me. It’s a makeshift system, but it works.
My question to you, Jeni, and I hope it’s not too late after your article’s publication, is this: how can I overcome my inhibitions regarding intimacy with my significant other, and become more capable of honestly relating to them on a sensitive, emotional level?
Thank you for sharing your advice. It comes at a time that was really needed.
It’s interesting to see what not to do. Yet, it’s so easy to get tangled up in it.
Regardless, thanks again.
i just realized that my husband has this disorder but i think i am doing the right thing by what i have read here.
i always thought he was strange and now i know what i am dealing with. i am a very strong minded person so i accept the challenge and hopefully i will win!.
Hi and thanks for sharing your experiences.
Moving on from Narcissistic Abuse is one of the hardest things to do, and the thing that victims/survivors frequently fail at. For a myriad of reasons you can’t break this cycle. I suggest you educate yourself thoroughly about NPD. Maybe these SlideShares can help …
Then, ultimately you have two questions to answer:
1) Why do I believe I deserve to be treated in this way?
2) What can I do to change my situation and my self?
And finally, accept that you had an ambiguous relationship, which means that you have an ambiguous loss. Accepting that THERE WILL NOT BE CLOSURE from your ex is the first step to moving on.
Hi Rob, from your email and descriptions it is hard to work out if your boyfriend is a narcissist, or if he is just going through a rough patch. They key to a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality is that there are patterns of behaviour, or cycles, that repeat themselves over time. It’s obvious that there are some red flag behaviours you’ve noticed and are concerning you, so it’s also obvious something needs to be done. Confronting a Narcissist releases predictable responses e.g. denial, projection and blaming, possibly lies, and if you’ve hit a nerve, you’ll get the full narcissist rage response. This is often sudden and vicious, I liken it to being decapitated and disembowelled at the same time … The other thing to consider is that a narcissist seeks narcissistic supply for a multitude of reasons – power, attention, fear, manipulation etc etc – so whatever it is, YOU are the one he’s getting it from at the moment, it has nothing to do with big city = big supply. I’d suggest you educate yourself a lot more, look for cycles or patterns of behaviour, and take notice when you see a Red Flag!
All the very best to you,
Dear Jeni, I am suspecting that my Boyfriend is a Narcisst, I am trying to deal with the relationship and I am trying to focus on myself, which your website is very helpful to understand what my part in the dynamics is. It is a long distance relationship, we are 600 km apart. We already had some rough patches which I always excused as normal conflicts in the relationship, But it became very erratic the last couple of weeks, I have black and white proof that he has cheated on me, I have not confronted him yet. I try to accept him as he is and know he will always do it and will find ways to excuse it. He is a certified psychologist and is liked by everybody, has also long standing friendships (20 years ) and is usually charming loving and caring. Lately the roller coaster started he shares his days and let me know what he is up to and we talk almost everynight to say good night. He is not overtly abusive but more passiv agressive. Weeks he can be very sweet, calls me sweetheart and tells me he loves me, than suddenly this can change the next day and I only get messages that he is done working and will go to a concert not even addressing my name. If I adress it he doesn’t know what I am talking about. I feel like it is push and pull not knowing if I did something wrong or not. I am right now in a state of confusion, I feel that something is up but he denies it. It is so inconsistent almost changing daily that I am asking myself what my next steps should be? Adress it again to him or just go no contact? I feel very manipulated. Why is he not leaving me alone if he is really not interested, he lives in a big city with easily available supply if needed. We have many tickets booked until the end of the year to see eachother every second week, when we are together it is always very nice. Thanks for anybody for some advice. Rob
Howdy! This article could not be written any better! Looking at this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He constantly kept preaching about this. I’ll send this information to him. Fairly certain he’s going to have a good read. Thanks for sharing! geegedccggekeeff
Thanks for the comments. I wish you well with this complex situation. The following resources may prove useful in the moving on phase:
Peace and hugs,
Jeni, the content you have created around NPD is incredibly accurate and healing! Almost a year ago I ‘escaped’ a 2 year relationship with a man who has all the attributes of NPD – reading your content is like reading a transcript of what my life was like exactly during that 2 years! It is only because a friend of mine told me to Google NPD a few weeks ago that I came to discover what the hell I had been through! So healing to finally stop beating myself up with questions like ‘how the hell did I end up here?’ and ‘why didn’t I see the signs earlier?’ and ‘why didn’t I get out sooner?’! Whilst I have left the relationship, we have a child together so unfortunately I am still having to deal with this man on a regular basis and for many many years to come. I have to say however, that things have become a lot better thanks to reading your info and following up the other resources you share. I’m am just doing the work on myself to try and coexist with this person without further stress, trauma and damage to me (and to be the example for my young daughter). Thank you for providing this resource.
Good on you for recognising what you’re up against! This can take years,
but you seem to be getting a handle on it sooner than most.
Moving on from a relationship with NPD is tough so here’s some Slideshares
I made that you may find helpful:
I wish you all the best for your journey forwards!
I truly enjoyed reading your blog, I was in a relationship with a woman who I knew for years before we dated. She had tried to get with me when I was with my ex and I told her no.last july we started dating dating she told me she always loved me and had deep feelings for me. She was up my ass all the time, I ended up falling on love with her, she is so beautiful inside and out. Then in November she started getting sick and was withdrawing from.me and blamed it on depression and anxiety. Then she would make up excuses not to see me. I was devastated and wanted her more than ever, but she would tell me to be patient and wait for her cause she is worth it. So I did I suffered all winter and spring. Then in April she told me she couldn’t be in a relationship now she has to much on her plate and it’s not fair to me she never wanted to hurt me. Again I was crushed I tried to call and text constantly and she would ignore me and never answer back. Since that time she has been in and out of my life a few times. Then on July 4th she sent me a text thanking me for something I did for her in February, I didn’t respond to it and 6 days later she was calling me and I wouldn’t answer then she called private number and I picked up thinking it was my job and she proceeded to tell me she loved me and misses me so much and she was thinking about me everyday. So I went for a ride with her and I we talked and I told her everything I felt I couldn’t stop crying I told her she was a narcissist and had personality disorders she didn’t respond to that all she could say was I’m sorry that I hurt you I didn’t realize how I was acting. She had an appointment with her counselor that night and she said I was going to be topic of her conversation and she would fall me and tell me how it went, she never called back I tried 3 times to contact her and message me saying I will call you after work, she never did. So I told her to never contact me again, kow she is having her son contact me. I definitely know she is a narcissist I went through all 3 stages of it. She discarded me like used toilet paper. I think back constantly and I see all the red flags. I sing in a band and she would stare at me with piercing eyes and I caught her in tons of lies. She would always tell me I heard her wrong. Now she’s hoovering and won’t let me move on.
I believe you.
Find some way of being at peace, no matter how small. It’s for your survival.
Biggest of hugs,
I have generalized anxiety disorder that my counselor has stated she has never seen this kind of anxiety, as it affects my memory terribly. I am married to a Narcissistic Husband who kept me away from my Dr, Daughter (I could never contact her, as she is controlled by my husband. Let alone I have anxiety, I also suffer terribly from Hashimoto Thyroiditis. I was not aware of what was happening and to a certain degree, I still can’t understand the evil and maliciousness associated with my daughter & husband. My daughter married a man just like her father and has a 5 month old daughter, who I see even now will be abused. I cannot begin to express the hurt and pain I have through. I have because of my husband always been in a narcissistic group of friends. I am so tired of being a victim. I worry about my daughter also because I think she is in the honeymoon stage of her marriage and has not grown up. I have decided not to visit her and the baby, it’s too hurtful as she would do anything for her narcissistic father who hates women. I have tried throughout the years to get her to understand but they won’t let me in. I have also decided if my husband wants to see his crazy friends he can do so without me. I am 67 years old and because of my disability, I am afraid I need my husband to a certain degree. I think he married me because he would be able to control my daughter because I’m afraid I was so very unaware for so long as I also was raised by narcissistic parents, that scared me terribly with violence and verbal abuse. My husband makes like he is going to hit me, but, I think he knows I will not stand for it. I worry about what he has done to my daughter, she is not the same girl I knew. It’s very sad as I have not had any kind of life. May G-D look out for my daughter and granddaughter. Thank you for listening, it feels good because no one in this world believes me, he is so charming and popular.
I wish you well and hope you find some peace.
I’ve just realised after researching heavily over the last fortnight that I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, married for 3 years overall 6 years. Things only really came to light when I gave birth to my daughter 8 months ago. This is when I realised that the man I am with and I think loves me, doesn’t actually love me at all and is using being part of a family as a facade to cover up his real lewd and obscure sexual fantasies. He is controlling, mean, aggressive, gives me the silent treatment, has spoilt anything that’s ever been special for me, has managed to forget anything that is important to me, thinks I’m a drama queen when I have been very ill and has shown me no empathy at all, ever and has never made deny effort with my family or friends whom he constantly runs down. But…..somehow I am filled with self doubt and time and time again he pulls me back in.
Having my baby has sort of opened my eyes to what has been going on and given me strength to do something about it. I feel exhausted and my head is fuzzy and I know that there is something making me feel liked this. I’ve known for years that something just isn’t right and I think I have just realised what it is. Thank god for my family and close friends.
Don’t confuse love bombing with OCD..some people have OCD or just feel guilty or really want to help people who are hurting…God forbid you are someone who can’t see this and thinks this is a sign of narcissism…..
jonjon,you sound just like a narcisist
(Whatever pain or trauma the partner of a narcissist is feeling is probably x2 in the narcissist himself.)
defending bad behaviour with that comment,and also dismissing feelings of others.
it is evil to abbuse your partner,familly members ,work colleagues.
ive been through it with my ex girlfriend for 3 years ,and her hate knows no bounds,distructing my life,having me arrested over 26 times for nothing but disagreeing ,or standing up for myself verbally.
a narcisist will never care or see your point of view or have any real empathy for you.
has no boundaries so will do as they please,while you have to play along to their wants and god bless if you dont comply.blame shifting,lying,raging ,physical attacks.
i could say a lot more as well but in my honest oppinion narcacists are bullies ,emotional,blackmail,and physically.
good luck with trying to help someone that is verry narcisistic,i tried it ,she never took it seriously ,prefered to half make a tiny effort then resort to blaming me for everything again,after all nothing is her fault .
my advice to anyone stuck in a relationship with someone that is highly narcisistic and will not change is,WALK AWAY RIGHT NOW,and do not look back ,do not let your mind play tricks on you thinking of how that person was so perfect ,it was all fake to get you to commit to a relationship,anything they will tell you is fake,avoid all contact do not reply to emails, texts, phone calls,they will promise the earth and deliver nothing but hell on earth justifying themselves in their own powercrazed controlling abnormal mind.
people that are highly narcisistic and will not change should be accounted for their actions,locked up,fined,preferbly locked away from decent human biengs.they cause so much damage and distruction ,my ex was like cancer to me,its disgusting behaviour.
jonjon i hope you are sincere in changing your ways,if so good luck to you ,i know it will be hard 🙂
You are crying right now? Have you cried for any of the people you have hurt? Or do you only cry for yourself? That’s the rub. I have pitied the narcissist in my life till he’s BLED ME DRY. Do you think he cried for what he did or pitied me? No, because he’s perfect, and I’m the one who is too sensitive when he calls me names like F*NG RETARD.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the peace that you seek.
This article is very upsetting and dehumanizing. As someone who has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, we are people too. We have the same feelings and concerns and hopes and dreams as everyone else. We are damaged. We feel emotions more intensely. Yes, many narcissists tend to be manipulative to get their way but making us seem like cold, manipulate monsters is just not right. I’m crying right now. If you know a narcissist, get them help. Try to resolve the core issues related to the false sense of self that they create and the healing can begin from there. Just because the word “narcissist” has a negative stigma attached to it, doesn’t make the disorder and less serious or devastating than any other disorder. What’s next, ate you going to dehumanize schizophrenics for having a distorted world view? Probably not be used that wouldn’t be politically correct. Whatever pain or trauma the partner of a narcissist is feeling is probably x2 in the narcissist himself. That doesn’t make the behavior okay, but please keep that in mind when passing judgement.
I’m narrcistic, full of fear and shame. Never will I justify bad behaviour towards another human being.But it’s so hard to cope with being so self aware of of the lack of love, and hurting those we should love.Wear my shoes for a while to understand how worthless I believe I am – I am cursed.
Thanks for the info, and sharing all your readers comments. I’m so confused after knowing my girlfriend of 4 years. I read all the traits of NPD here and at other websites, and tried to be objective when comparing them to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she seems to fit the bill, and I’m deeply saddened. My overwhelming gut feelings of suspicion about her got the best of me, and I started paying more attention to her actions. I hate to label people, and in this case I think it is better for me to walk away for good, rather than confront her. The hardest thing for me at this point is to accept her, and ever completely trust her, after finding out about her deceptive ways. I must admit that I ignored my gut feelings, and this leaves me feeling like a sap.
This site can be relevant to all groupings of Narcissist, whether they are Low, Moderate or High Level. It depends how much the NPD person is disrupting your life!