From Victim to Victor: Dealing with Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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This is a fantastic resource full of great advice for dealing with a NPD in your life.

10 Steps to FREEDOM from Narcissistic Abuse by Invicta Ma

by InvictaMA 2009-2013
POSTED BY INVICTA MA

http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com.au/2009/01/ten-steps-to-freedom-from-narcissists.html

“love bombing” that I am sure many of those victimised by narcissists experience. In real life, a girlfriend who turned out to be a narcissist thought the world of me, came to me for advice, and would do anything for me; she was so like me, and so perfect until the cracks began to show. They cannot keep up the facade for very long. But they are masters, if you don’t know better, at getting you hooked.

This feeling of “love” that we have is more intense than normal because first they flood you with expressions of love and then they withhold and then they give a little, and over time this changes our brain chemistry- it’s a form of manipulation, control and brainwashing.

There is no doubt that we have loved. It’s just that narcissists can’t love you back. And there is no doubt that it is not a good idea to depend on the strength of your feeling for a narcissist, but to listen to your gut. What happens with these types is that we get so caught up in the feeling and don’t listen to the alarms and red flags that usually guide our way.

1. Educate Yourself

The most important thing you need to do is learn everything you can about the disordered and how they operate. You must educate yourself. Repeat and repeat and repeat. Unless you educate yourself you will never be free of their toxic enmeshment. Because they don’t think and feel as we do, we cannot treat them like we do “normal” people/ourselves. Nor is it any use feeling sorry for them when you are trapped with them because they will simply use all your feeling against you. You need to harden your heart in order to see very clearly what you are dealing with.

2. Observe and Trust Your Gut

Distinguish between what is feeling in yourself and your gut instinct, and switch to trusting your gut. You are in poor physical and emotional and mental health because you are struggling to
understand behaviour that on the surface contradicts the words.

Never listen to words. Observe the behaviour. It is by behaviour that we really know people. Words are just a con job. You are worn out and sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right (because s/he tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be a scientist. Silently observe what is really happening.

3. Stay Out of Their Head

Get back inside your own where you belong. It’s a mindfulness thing. Watch how hard that is because they’ve trained you well. Don’t try to figure out what they’re up to, what’s in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into their head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalise their behaviour, trying to manipulate them, and especially getting sucked into the content.

When you catch yourself, wrench yourself away from it and think about something else. I used to use a Hebrew blessing as a mantra when my mind wandered into poisonous realms. This is a challenge because it takes a huge force of will to do this and goes against all the training they gave you to ensure that they take up all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore Content

There is no content for narcissists except the kind that will suck you in. I had to train myself to ignore the content. It’s not a question of belief or disbelief. It’s about tearing yourself away from everything being about them during all your waking hours and probably your dreams.

Do not listen to or give importance to the content of what narcissists say. It is their way of sucking you into their world and keeping you there, a world of total mindfuck where you always end up the bad guy. They don’t make common sense and keep moving the boundaries and goalposts to keep you destabilised.

Listening to the content stresses your cognitive functioning- it is crazymaking. Know that whatever they say has something in it for them, no matter how reasonable or wonderful it seems. It is all about them and they want you to be all about them as well and they will do and say anything to you to keep you trapped in their little dream world. Instead, observe what they are doing.

5. Protect Your Assets.

If need be, squirrel away money. They will bleed you dry. Protect anything that is precious to you. If you think about being fair and noble, you might be left destitute.

6. Silence is Golden

It is natural to want to share yourself with your soulmate. But you do not have a soulmate; you have a narcissist pretending to be a soulmate. Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel. You cannot move them. They will use it against you. The more open you are, the more artillery they have. They love for you to share. If you need to say anything, either dissemble or be vague or neutral or change the subject. Everyone has ways to withhold, so use your particular way to protect yourself.

7. Who Are You?

Know what you stand for and know what you are willing to live and die for. Or anyone can persuade you of anything. Without knowing yourself, you have few boundaries about what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. Strengthen that belief system and set of values that you cherish. Then you will know what to do and how to act and not waver.

8. It’s a Marathon

Keep observing and reading. Once you learn what manipulative tricks they can use, you will observe them happening. This is a huge reinforcement for you, a way of deprogramming from the illusion of great, soulful love or familial love or friendly love they have set up for you. This does not happen overnight. It’s a long distance goal. Be kind to yourself and patient. You are learning new ways to act in the world and redefining yourself and your beliefs, especially about people and relationships. Give yourself time to deal with all that’s happening. Nothing will change overnight. It’s a marathon.

9. Get Support

Anyone dealing intimately with the disordered is going to be emotionally and mentally abused. It’s important to have support whether it is a good friend, a counsellor, a group for the abused, even the internet though that is a more dangerous undertaking and not one I recommend. Along with support, the most important thing is to start to get back your health and your sanity with small things that give you pleasure or joy or peace. We all have something we love to do.

I would also recommend that if you seek counselling that you find someone in your area that deals with trauma and/or abuse. Do not try this over the internet or by phone. In addition, do not buy e-books that invariably are self-published, because they don’t answer to any mental health, ethical or professional standard; charlatans/narcissists abound on the net.

10. Nurture Your Soul

Once in a while, do some small kind thing for someone that will make their day. Do it anonymously and quietly. Say something complimentary to someone, even a stranger. Make one of your little dreams come true, for yourself. Get back in touch with your religion if you have a faith. Breathe in the fresh air and know that one day you will be free and life will be so much better

Questions that Victims of Narcissistic Personality Disorder commonly ask.

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1) Are they aware of what they are doing?

Yes, every decision is made with the intention of gaining narcissistic supply.

2) Do they see what they are doing or saying is wrong?

No. Any behaviour is acceptable if it gets narcissistic supply.

3) Why don’t they care about how I feel?

Caring takes empathy and insights into the human condition and requires someone to look past themselves. Narcissists can only acknowledge their own needs. They cannot look past themselves.

4) How can they do this to me?

This is not about you. This is about the narcissist. Your needs, thoughts, feelings, wants, ambitions, dreams etc do not exist for a narcissist.

5) Can’t the narcissist see that what they are doing is wrong?

No. Any behaviour that brings narcissistic supply is acceptable behaviour.

6) How can they tell so many lies?

To a narcissist, reality is only about sourcing narcissistic supply. Telling lies creates their own reality.

7) How can the narcissist be so intolerant but expect me to tolerate their bad behaviour?

Narcissists experience a heightened sense of insult (and hurt) and will lash out with rage – thus the intolerance. They have an inflated sense of importance and superiority and expect to be treated different to others. Through devaluing, your needs are not important.

8) How can the narcissist treat me so badly when I gave them so much?

Narcissists expect and demand to be privileged. You (the non-narcissist) deserve no such privilege.

9) How can the narcissist flare up and turn on me so easily?

Narcissists are hyper-sensitive and perceive insults even when none are intended. This wounds their ‘false’ self. As the bearer of insults, you deserve to be punished, even annihilated if the perceived insult is bad enough.

10) Does a narcissist have morals?

Only when they’re linked with narcissistic supply.

11) How can someone say ‘I love you’ in one breath, then throw me away the next?

Narcissists are the Masters of Relationship Manipulation.

12) How come a narcissist cannot see that what they say or do is wrong?

Right and wrong do not matter to a narcissist. Right, or more likely, wrong only apply to others. In their own minds Narcissists never do wrong.

13) Why can’t a narcissist apologise?

See 12 above.

14) Why does a narcissist get away with such bad behaviour all the time?

Narcissists surround themselves with people who respond to (or feel good about) the narcissist’s tactics. These people gain the narcissist’s attention and thus feel special or privileged themselves. Feeling good outweighs recognition of inappropriate behaviour and thus the inappropriate behaviour gets ignored. By ignoring and not setting boundaries for the narcissist, people enable the narcissistic behaviour.

Pinterest Boards on Narcissism and Bullying

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http://pinterest.com/jenimawter

Hello,

I have been receiving lots of emails from people all around the world regarding my posts on ‘How to Deal with Narcissistic Rage’ and ‘Narcissistic Victim Syndrome’ which have made me realise the enormous interest in this disorder. For those who’d like more, I’m directing you to two Pinterest boards that you also find helpful:

http://pinterest.com/jenimawter/narcissism/

http://pinterest.com/jenimawter/bullying/

Please share my posts or boards with anyone you may feel will benefit from them.

Happy and a Peaceful 2013!

Jeni

Twelve Steps of Recovery from Relationship Abuse with a Narcissist – by “Mat” from Kiss Kill …

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Narcissism: One boy's story of survival

Mat survives his NPD girlfriend

Masochists Anonymous

The Fellowship of Recovering Teenage Masochists

Hello. My name is Mat and I am a recovering teenage masochist.

The only requirement for membership to the Fellowship of Recovering Teenage Masochists is the desire to disentangle from a relationship with a psycho bitch (PB) and to raise your self-esteem and to stop setting yourself up for pain.

For a long time you have been heavily emotionally invested in feelings of anger, fear, rejection and humiliation. Be emotionally honest with yourself. Ask yourself: What’s in it for me? Why don’t I let go? Why do I keep coming back for more (more of what)?

The Twelve Steps of Recovering Teenage Masochists.

1. I admit that I am powerless over the psycho bitch – that my life has become unmanageable.
2. I believe that a Power far greater than myself can hurtle me towards insanity. (Remember, the psycho bitch believes she is God)
3. I have made a decision to reclaim my will and put my life together and will no longer be influenced by She Who Thinks She is God.
4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself and my relationship with She Who Thinks She is God and concluded I’m a really nice guy.
5. I admit to myself the exact nature of my wrongs and realise my error lay in the malignant optimism of the abused.
6. I am entirely ready to remove from my life She Who Thinks She is God and all defects in her character.
7. I humbly ask myself to forgive myself for the delusional shortcoming that She Who Thinks She is God can change.
8. I include myself in the list of people that She Who Thinks She is God has intentionally harmed.
9. I apologise to myself for putting me in a position to be injured.
10. I continue to search my heart and soul so that when I encounter another person who thinks they are God I will promptly admit it to myself and run.
11. I pray that I retain this knowledge and have the will and the power to always carry this out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, I will try to carry this message to all other masochists caught up in this cycle of pain and to practise these principles in all my relationships.

Pain can be physical or psychological. Physical pain includes hitting, slapping, punching, shoving, kicking, biting, hair-pulling or that inflicted by the use of a weapon. Psychological pain occurs when someone embarrasses you, puts you down, swears at you, controls or manipulates you, prevents you from seeing your family and friends, spreads rumours or gossip about you, or makes you feel bad about yourself.

In conclusion, repeat out loud every time you make contact with a psycho bitch: ‘I have seen the enemy and it is me’. Repeat a thousand times if you have to.

This site is sponsored by recovered teenage masochists who are no longer PB-magnets or under PB- attack.

Women Against the Abuse of Men

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In Kiss Kill, my latest young adult novel, the character Mat, triumphs over his abusive relationship with his narcissistic girlfriend, Elle. The following advice is taken from the web site http://www.womenabusingmen.org/whatcanido.html

A WARNING TO MEN WHO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE BEING ABUSED.

Assess your level of danger
• On a scale of 1 to 10:

(1) Everything is changed now from when things were really good between you. She is very controlling and manipulative toward you and things seem to have taken a negative turn.

(2) She is often angry with you, saying mean and painful things. She denies it, but it seems like she is sneaking around behind you, trying to catch you in lies, waiting for you to fail her.

(3) No matter what you do, if it’s not her idea, it’s wrong and causes a fight. You are seeing how angry she can get, and her reactions seem extreme.

(4) She is behaving badly, perhaps even in public now. She is falsely accusing you of bad behaviour, and some of the accusations are the very things she is actually doing to you.

(5) She is likely to throw things at the wall during a fight and be physically destructive to make her point.

(6) She is likely to throw things at you during a fight, and she has physically struck you at this point.

(7) Even during the cooling off period following a fight, she doesn’t seem to cool off. She can fly back into a rage easily and can’t let it go. Things are getting progressively worse now.

(8) When she is angry, you sleep separately with the door locked, just in case, to avoid a physical ambush while you sleep.

(9) Fights are almost always include physical attacks. She says she wishes you were dead or has threatened to kill you.

(10) She has threatened to kill you before but this time she’s acting differently; strangely quiet, smug or secretive. She may make a strange attempt to reconcile suddenly, but it doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t feel right.

These are examples of how abuse can escalate over time, bearing in mind that every relationship is unique. However, there is danger at the lowest end of the scale, and the ultimate danger at the high end. Both require a serious change of circumstances. Listen to your inner voice – what do your instincts tell you? If you find yourself at the high end of the scale, act quickly to put safety measures in place. Don’t just wait to see how it goes.

Kiss Kill is a digital only book published by Really Blue Books
Amazon http://t.co/h3XUTe5t

What is abuse?

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Abuse happens when one person uses different types of abusive behaviour to gain POWER and CONTROL over another.

Abuse can include emotional, mental, verbal, financial, physical, sexual, and social abuse.

Neglect can be abuse too.

Abuse can happen to anyone no matter what their sexual orientation, gender, ethnicity, income, education or nationality.

Behaviour Red Flags for Abuse, taken from http://www.teenrelationships.org/abuse/

1) THREATS of violence or past history of violence

2) JEALOUSY/ HYPERSENSITIVE

3) SCARES you

4) BLAMES others for problems and mistakes

5) ISOLATES you

6) Tries to CONTROL you

7) PRESSURES you for sex or is “playfully” forceful when intimate

8 ) PUT DOWNS

9) Sudden MOOD SWINGS

10) Becomes SERIOUS too quickly

Abuse can effect your feelings of confidence, safety and self-esteem.

Seek help! Contact Crisis Support Services, speak to someone you trust, visit your local doctor.

Note: In the digital book Kiss Kill, Mat survives an abusive relationship with Elle.

Amazon http://t.co/h3XUTe5t
www.reallybluebooks.com

Watch this YouTube. Is this abuse…?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scrdqYyXMFO&feature=colike

Questions about Kiss Kill for Book Clubs, Educators and Readers

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1. Kiss Kill is an ebook, so its format and content varies when compared to traditional hard copy books. How does it vary and why is the ebook format appropriate for Kiss Kill?

2. At the beginning of the ebook, Mat says that the new philosophy class is intended to teach the students “how to become better human beings”. Do Mat’s experiences make him a “better human being” and does the philosophy class help him achieve any insights into his “Self Concepts”?

3. Kiss Kill raises issues relating to abusive relationships. At what point do you think Mat realises that Elle has become his abuser? At what point does the reader realise this? Are these points the same for Mat and various readers? If not, why not?

4. Mat researches narcissism and comes to the conclusion that Elle is a narcissist. How does being able to give a label to her behaviour help him?

5. Online social media, such as facebook posts appear in the ebook. How does Elle’s ability to publicise her feelings online effect Mat’s feelings and how can this media effect young people in particular? Is the ability to publicise your feelings to the world quickly and easily a good thing?

6. Mat’s mother writes him notes showing her concern for Mat. Why are these notes shown in graphic format, rather than quoted in text, as they would be in a traditional hardcopy book? Does the graphic format lend the notes more or less impact than they would have if they were simply quoted as text?

7. Mat understands that his body’s physical desires are not always in harmony with what his head is telling him to do. How and why does he come to the conclusion that he should listen to his head?

8. Friendships are important within the book. Mat’s friends help and support him. Why does he find it difficult to talk to them about his relationship with Elle?

9. An important point, that not only girls can be the victims of abusive relationships is made. During the talk on abusive relationships, the students display derision for male victims of abuse. Why? Is this a cultural norm?

10. Phone text messages appear in graphic format, just as if the reader has picked up their phone and seen a new message. How does this effect the impact of these text messages within the ebook? Is the language used for these messages the same as that which would be used in a traditional hardcopy book? How does this language reflect the characters’ personalities and emotions?

11. Mat is relieved when he is helped by others, yet he finds it very difficult to seek help. Why?

12. Mat talks and writes about sex and the physical aspects of relationships, but when he is faced with an actual sexual experience he thought he longed for, why is he reluctant?

13. At times Mat and Elle become characters in a play or television program playing out in Mat’s mind. How does this device help Mat to view his relationship with Elle?

14. Much is made in philosophy class of “the human condition”. How do Mat’s experiences effect his view of what it is to be human?

15. Kiss Kill is written mostly in the first person, with Mat narrating his thoughts and experiences. Would the ebook have the same impact if it were narrated by a third person?

Emotional Abuse Con’t: The Silent Treatment

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When someone is in the same room as you, but acts like you don’t exist it’s called the Silent Treatment. They don’t speak to you, answer your questions, make everyday comments – they completely ignore you and act as if you are invisible. This is a form of emotional abuse or bullying. By treating you as though you don’t exist the person is trying to punish you in a non-physical way. They are manipulating or controlling you into believing you are a ‘nothing’. As a non-person you are not valued or cared about and have no self-worth.

Abusers use excuses to justify their silent treatment:

I didn’t do anything
I needed my own space
I thought you needed your own space
I was depressed and didn’t want to drag you down
I thought we both needed to cool off
I felt threatened/insulted/hurt by you
I needed time to think
I didn’t want to fight
You told me to leave you alone!
I needed to sort out some problems from my past

Excuses are just one more way for an abuser to blame somebody or something else for their abuse.

Being ignored on purpose can be very disorienting. It wounds without an obvious scar. So, what can you do?

1) Acknowledge to yourself that this form of punishment is not acceptable.
2) Acknowledge to the person that this form of behaviour is not acceptable.
3) Inform the person that you need to discuss the situation in order to repair your relationship.
4) Do not plead or beg.
5) Ignore the ignoring.
6) Carry on doing your own thing.
7) Don’t play the game by demanding to know what you’ve done wrong.
8) Change the subject.
9) Try to deal with your own emotions of frustration, anger or hurt.

What is Emotional Abuse? Source: Crosswalk.com

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No one broad definition covers all aspects of what constitutes emotional abuse, but generally speaking, the following types of behaviour occur with regularity in the emotionally abusive relationship:

• Attacks on personal character
• Blame and accusations
• Shame and judging
• Sarcasm and twisting what you say
• Rewriting history
• Playing the victim
• Manipulation, control and coercion
• Unpredictable explosions
• Criticism that is harsh and undeserved
• Swearing
• Intimidation
• Escalating situations or refusing to discuss a situation by not speaking at all

If you feel you are in an emotionally abusive relationship seek help!

Readers of Kiss Kill (www.reallybluebooks.com) can contact Headspace: Australia’s National Youth Mental Health Foundation at www.headspace.org.au or Mensline Australia on 1300 789978

How to Deal with Narcissistic Rage

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The narcissist believes that by being perfect they will receive the admiration/love/respect/attention they crave. Being perceived as ‘not perfect’ can result in feelings of shame, anxiety, guilt or anger.

If a narcissist’s self-esteem is threatened or wounded, they may react with anything from mild irritation to serious outbursts, or even violence. Destroying the perceived threat restores their sense of safety and power and gives them total control over their environment.

The rage is not about you, it is about the narcissist.

Respond to narcissistic rage with your mind, not with emotion. Do not rage back.

Do not try to use logic or reason to calm the narcissist as this will prolong the confrontation. There is no room for your opinion or viewpoint. This is not personal, it is about the narcissist.

Establish your boundaries. Keep calm and as soon as you are able, remove yourself from the explosive situation.

Do not believe that anything you say or don’t say, do or don’t do will change the person or the situation.

Accept that the narcissist will not display this behaviour in public view. In public, they are perfect – charismatic, fun, outgoing, laid back. It is only in private that they release their rage. Expect that unless the rage is personally witnessed, no-one will understand how life is for you.

Narcissists practice projection. When they accuse you of being selfish, inconsiderate, envious, dishonest, arrogant etc what they are projecting is inadequacies they feel about themselves. The projection is not about you, it is about the narcissist.

Narcissists may claim to have said something which they did not actually say, blaming you for not listening. Alternatively, they do say something but claim to have not. Narcissists can contradict themselves in the same breath!