Two crucial questions to ask yourself when dealing with a relationship with someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Over many years of contemplation and reading comments on this blog it occurs to me that if you are feeling stuck and don’t know what to do about a NPD relationship that is not working for you, ask yourself the following:

  1. Why do I believe that I deserve to be treated like this?
Why do I believe I deserve to be badly treated?

We accept the love we think we deserve

 

 

 

 

 

I am the only one who can change

I am the one who must work out what and how to change

 

2) What do I need to do to change my situation and my self?

 

13 replies
  1. smphd75@gmail.com'
    Sola Cruz says:

    I am currently no-contact with my NPD family system. My mother and sister both are malignant narcs. Systems theory is a good way to understand how pervasive it is and how it survives and spreads through generations. Being NC helps me have a birds eye view of the whole mess of our family and gives me strength to keep my boundaries intact. It has been painful and revelatory. I can untangle the mess and feel validated after YEARS ( generations, really) of toxic, manipulating, gas lighting abuse. I AM the whistleblower. It helps to connect with people whom are going through the same. This I know, they do not change, they do not care and if you are an empath, they want to destroy your goodness and light and positivity. I have tried to have a meta sort of perspective to understand, why, why is this my lot? Why is my family this hot mess of generational psychological mental physical abuse? Why the chaos, the drama, car accidents, death, divorce, multiple marriages, sibling disconnect, hoovering relatives that use guilt, fear and obligation to suck me back into the vortex of evil. What can I do to transmute this mess, this legacy of severe dysfunction? What can I learn? What can I take from all this so I do NOT become a victim, a broken soul that can’t seem to function, a cautionary tale? My own mother wanted to DESTROY ME. Her words. How does one take all that crap and make fertiliser? That’s my question as I break away, not just from my “family”, but the whole generational karmic legacy of this sick human condition. I am the whistleblower. It ends with me.

  2. Jeni Mawter says:

    I’ll keep my advice brief. It will be extremely challenging for you all to stay in this environment without fallout. Sorry to be blunt but this is my honest opinion based on experience. Firstly, SET BOUNDARIES. You all need to be very clear about what behaviour is acceptable and what behaviour is not. You must commit to these boundaries and take action when they are transgressed. And secondly, seek SUPPORT. You and your children cannot deal with this and survive without understanding from others who completely understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I wish you peace, Jeni

  3. Dmwalb@msn.com'
    Dee says:

    I am married 25 years just finding out that there is a name for the problem personality of narcissism. Luckily, I never blamed myself the way he blamed me, but I did suffer from anxiety. My worry now is how my children were affected, if they will suffer or thrive throughout their lives. What advise can you give me to protect them against further harm and to help remove any damage that may have been caused? I do not intend to get divorced and the children live with us.

  4. stevemck3nna@gmail.com'
    Steve says:

    I recently (4 weeks ago) left a long relationship with my girlfriend who suffers from Bi-Polar and what I believe to be NPD. The only good thing I can say about our breakup is that she created a gulf so vast between us that there will never be a reconciliation. I have spent the last 4 weeks re-uniting with friends from before our relationship and mentally stepping back and reviewing the last 5 years. I am amazed that I did not see the brutal manipulation and am amazed at how much my self esteem and confidence was eroded over the last 6 years. I still find myself questioning my own actions and I suspect I will for a long time. Thank the gods I am free of her.

  5. Jeni Mawter says:

    Marietta, I’m glad you’ve gained some insights into what has happened to you over a huge chunk of your life. Yes, you definitely need help and support from someone well-versed with the atrocity of NPD behaviour. Unfortunately, it can be quite a challenge to find the help and support you seek. Persevere, be relentlessly true to your search for ‘Self’, and find others who can relate from experience. From my feeble attempts, I have found that unless someone has personally been adversely affected by NPD, they will not/ cannot understand.
    Big hugs, Jeni

  6. mariettascheer@yahoo.com'
    Marietta Scheer says:

    UNBELIEVEABLE!! I just read, re-lived, sobbed (uncontrollably for at least an hour), shook both fists and hung my head in disbelief, bowed, prayed and back to sobbing as I found my 30 years in print. Blind-sided by every angle of my life and not being able to figure out why,I cannot come above this, ALL I DO IS CRY! EERY SINGLE DAY since he left and took “me” with him. LIES,years of lies, how did I NOT SEE? I feel like I lived a whole other life yet not one person will even admit “I” was there at all. I truly DO feel like I am loosing my mind. I cannot even say the “D” word. IT IS NOT RIGHT, IT IS NOT FAIR, I get that,,.I DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE IN ANYTHING. I Hurt, I need help. I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, NOT!!! I HAVE NO CLOSURE(aside from a paper file) Oh yeah, suicide definitely factored in for the FIRST TIME and I could absolutely give reason why people think on these lines.

  7. Jeni Mawter says:

    It goes to show that Narcissistic Personality Disorder is not just some simple disorder, it is a cyclic disorder, that crosses generations and interpersonal relationships. It is an intricate web we find ourselves in! Sending warmest of wishes, Jeni

  8. wendyhama@gmail.com'
    Wendy Hammond says:

    It is all so familiar. Married 10years, two daughters, 10 year high conflict divorce, stolen finances, infidelity, lies, golden child vs scapegoat, terrible confusion. He is currently running my oldest daughters baby shower. Divorced for 22 years. Still figuring it out. My dad had NPD. My Mum stayed with him 62 years, he had a girlfriend for 36 of those years. As their child I then married a NPD. Now have one daughter showing signs. Most painful!

  9. claire.walker2007@hotmail.com'
    Claire says:

    Dear Jeni
    Thank you so much for your site. Anyone who is prepared to shed light on the darkness which is NPD is to be applauded – nay, revered!

    I have been enmeshed with a covert NPD for over 30 years – was married to him for almost 20 of those. His father was an narcissist and when this came to light (after the end of our marriage and as a result of my ex’s analysis) all my attention was on the father. A real creep, but ‘obvious’ once you knew about NPD – he was ‘overt’.

    I won’t go into a long story, but I went back to my ex having got sober (I’m an alcoholic) and thinking the breakdown in my marriage was my fault, my alcoholism. After two years I escaped and have been away from him now for 18 months.

    About a month ago, I started reading about covert narcissism and I cannot begin to tell you how terrifying I found it. You could put my ex’s name at the top of the pages – it reads like a biography of his behaviour.

    Of course there was an element of relief in knowing and naming his disorder, then came the grim recognition of the symptoms of NVS – but it too had a duality: I found comfort in knowing that I wasn’t a) alone and b) completely off my trolley.

    But I can see how the latter might yet come to pass and this brings me to my question. Although, intellectually, I can recognize my ex in all the (covert) NPD literature and myself in the NVS stuff, I cannot, just cannot convince my emotional self, my ‘heart’, that this is true. Not my lovely, lovely man – surely??

    Needless to say, my siblings adore him and he has successfully painted me as the ‘difficult’ one. I inadvertently helped his cause by becoming an alcoholic.

    Is my experience common, Jeni? i.e. the victim being unable to process the truth of the situation? It has led me to a deep confusion and it is a feeling that could drive me quite nuts.

    I’m sorry this is so long, but your thoughts would be deeply appreciated.

    With warm regards to you

    Claire

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