How to Deal with Narcissistic Rage

The narcissist believes that by being perfect they will receive the admiration/love/respect/attention they crave. Being perceived as ‘not perfect’ can result in feelings of shame, anxiety, guilt or anger.

If a narcissist’s self-esteem is threatened or wounded, they may react with anything from mild irritation to serious outbursts, or even violence. Destroying the perceived threat restores their sense of safety and power and gives them total control over their environment.

The rage is not about you, it is about the narcissist.

Respond to narcissistic rage with your mind, not with emotion. Do not rage back.

Do not try to use logic or reason to calm the narcissist as this will prolong the confrontation. There is no room for your opinion or viewpoint. This is not personal, it is about the narcissist.

Establish your boundaries. Keep calm and as soon as you are able, remove yourself from the explosive situation.

Do not believe that anything you say or don’t say, do or don’t do will change the person or the situation.

Accept that the narcissist will not display this behaviour in public view. In public, they are perfect – charismatic, fun, outgoing, laid back. It is only in private that they release their rage. Expect that unless the rage is personally witnessed, no-one will understand how life is for you.

Narcissists practice projection. When they accuse you of being selfish, inconsiderate, envious, dishonest, arrogant etc what they are projecting is inadequacies they feel about themselves. The projection is not about you, it is about the narcissist.

Narcissists may claim to have said something which they did not actually say, blaming you for not listening. Alternatively, they do say something but claim to have not. Narcissists can contradict themselves in the same breath!

51 replies
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    Lucy says:

    Narcissistic rage is dangerous, they are capable of extreme harm in this state. They can become psychotic when triggered, I noticed the rages were premeditated to occur at times I was unable to escape.
    They escalated and became frequent, the first episode I accepted a lame excuse, but I soon found myself living in terror not knowing what triggered the cruelty.
    I left fir good after the third rage, for two years my partner managed to repress this side of his personality once unleashed it never goes back to anything like normal.
    I was freaked out by his pleasure gained from my fear, he was turned on by my terror of him.

    Remove yourself from narcissists they are capable of murder or pushing others to suicide.

    ANETA Hall says:

    I am divorced from a narcissist. He was very controling toward myaelf and my children. Cchildren grew up left and the narcissist became worse. He became violent and even tried to break my fingers for control over a car key. He even destroyed my laptop in a commode trying to get control. I was attacked for a car so he could have control. HE lied to our valley church members and destroyed my reputation so everyone woyld like him. He didnt go to church until he felt he had to destroy my reputation to make himself loik good. It was always had to be about him and he would throw tandrums inside the home to get his way. Outside the home he acted and the word is acted like the best man around. When he wanted to act toward someone hed used me constantly on my butt ubtil I went to the person. When we go somewhere or have a function he would bw on my butt causing war purposely just to get me upset and try to destroy a birthday party or wedding. Causing war before event and then hed be happy because he got the war and then he became fun loving person . Holidays a nightmares with him. He destroy our Christmas or holiday by refusing to purchase gifts continously running his mouth about money. I havent had Christmas in twenty years or a birthday because it has to be whatever he wants and he has war every holiday. But the outside tge home he would say its all my fault and be happy he destroy my happiness. Any time we want to go do something it has to be centered around him and he gets the war he wants. In his head he has to destroy whatever event. He destroy ed my bf daughter wedding by constantly kbocking the family down and refusing to help. He was constanly downing the family and wanted me to yell and scream at the family because his thought was he had to destroy the function. Her wedding day we argued and he wanted me to go and start arguments. And I was the minuster marrying the couple. We recently went in a white house tourand he said something really mean to me and made sure no one wles heard him. He smiled and was happy because he upset me and he was trying to destroy everyone time. He purposely would say stuff to me to get me upset so everyone could see me yell because he woukdnt stop until he had me yelling. Then he would be happy because he wanted to show to everyone I was a bad person. He blackmailed me and came to our home during the divorce purpisely start arguments and open front door to house so neighbors could hear. He wanted to destroy my reputation and scare me not to show up for court. The whole relationship he went after other women and bragged about it to me. He purposely wanted me to be emotional destroyed. He has two personalities dr jekel and mr hyde. Weldon wilson took everything I had by his threats blackmail and violence. Hes narcissist all the way…he knows how to play people. He told me give me five minutes and I can cobvince anyone of anything. He was correct.

    Kyndrid says:

    I have dealt with narcissistic friends all my life. It is only now that I am in my 30’s. I have had the courage to leave them and find healthier friendships.

    I used to be a people pleaser, when I was younger. The perfect target for these types of people. I am so glad I am not like this anymore!

    I remember getting rage from one of the girls when I would not stay all night at her party. I had moved house that day and still made the effort to came. That was not good enough! Got blasted and called every name under the sun.

    When my other friend and I would not go out of our way (we had the tickets) for her when we were at a concert she lost it to. She could have come and met us but flatly refused and demanded we go to her. I knew what she was doing so I told my friend not to.

    She kept telling us she was lost when really she was just down the road and around the corner lol. This was after long lengthy discussions on how to find us also. Another friend had met us, found us fine without any problems (they were even from another country!) No lengthy discussion was needed there for them to find us.

    The rest of the night she and her sister completely ignored us. We ignored them back but did not let them ruin our fun. Silly really the whole thing! I don’t know why they could not have met us got the tickets then did their own thing lol.

    Another friend keeps being very critical of me, nitpicks as well. It is, well was getting on my last nerve. Especially at this Trivia thing.

    I used to have dinner weekly at her place and all I got was her nitpicking about my ‘unacceptable’ behaviour’ I ended up stopping going weekly to that because I was being put down for the smallest things.

    She would always pick on my behaviour there (hated how I flirted with the host as well because he was 15 years older then me but we were both single, it was a good ego bost actually)!

    I was not behaving the way she wanted. I ended up being kicked out of the team because I was not contributing enough and to disruptive to the team.

    I did not even think Trivia was that serious. The host made a comment about how he notices me enjoying the night. He did not care if I was taking it seriously or not. Another lady I was talking to at the bar in her 40’s was also going on about how hard the questions were and said she was just there socially as well.

    I think a part of it was that I was quiet and shy in High School. Had known her since then. Not quiet and shy anymore so when I broke out of that box of what she perceived me to be she got all weird on me!

    I remember when I was sitting with another friend of mine there, even she had to ask me to speak up a couple of times because she could not hear me when we were talking quietly amongst ourselves. That was how quiet I was being. She was even baffled by how my friend kicked me out.

    I was passing a packet of chocolates around to everyone one time. I was taking my time because I did not know how many there was. She all of a sudden yanks the packet out of my hand aggressively. Gets all huffy and mentions how hopeless I was a such a ‘simple’ task and hands out the packet of chocolates herself.

    I even got accused of ruining the night once or twice and I am thinking how? All I had ever been is friendly and nice. So weird!

    Just glad I have healthier friendships now and can spot this type of behaviour a mile away now. Everything that was written in that presentation describes this new girl to a tea.

    I met her about 4 years ago. Managed to get out of that friendship quickly because I knew straight away how similar she was to the others.

    It is interesting to see how they operate with this personality type. I was even tempted to challenge this Trivia girl just to see her reactions to certain things I did but decided against it and just distanced myself off her instead lol. Thought that was the smartest option.

    She was the one that really made me self doubt myself when hanging out with her. Sure sign right there of narcissism?

    Cherie says:

    I need help!!!

    My boyfriend has lied to me since day one
    I was going through a divorce when we met and he wanted me out now!!! He wasn’t considering my feelings and do it in my time. It had to be is time yet when I finally let and moved out..I said you pushed me to get out and he said.. I never did that to you.
    Last year I found out why I could never go to his house because he is still married.

    He screams and yells at me all the time. Calls me a whore, slut, bitch and the c word many times.
    I’m forever being blamed for his angers because he tells me I just need to keep my mouth shut!!! Really? In lied too all the time and just need to suck it up? His responce is if you don’t like it then leave!! Would love to talk to talk to someone. Please email me at I’m at a loss and feeling so down and don’t know what to do?

    anna says:

    I realise my boss is npd! He is Jekyll and Hyde character; a double headed snake in effect; nice one minute then screaming and naking false acusations the next. True – people needcto leave these situations ascthe npd saps the energy. They are losers.

    Louise Richardson says:

    Wow. I’m so amazed at this website. I cannot believe I have only just discovered that my partner has npd and I thought it was me who was going crazy. He is a very charismatic man who is the life and soul. However that is not the man I live with in private! He is currently raging at me and he is so unbelievably clever at manipulating any situation for years I have believed him telling me it is my fault he looses his temper!!! He has currently taken 1 child swimming and left one behind crying. How cruel can you be- it was my punishment for taking my eldest to football this morning or as he puts it ‘prioritising’ my eldest son! So to punish me he has made our youngest upset. Living this life is utterly exhausting. I want to leave so much but I’m so frightened. I have started to keep a diary of all the rages on advice of the police. They have been to out house 3 times. I could go on and on and on. We have been together for 5 years and he had destroyed and confidence I used to have

    MaDonna says:

    Been with my NPD boyfriend for 5 years. We usually end up doing what he enjoys. He may throw me a bone by taking me to a movie but then tells me he’s not much of a movie person so I end up feeling bad for asking to go.
    But he has no issue with taking me on a boat for 7 days in rough water with no fridge and having to sleep ontop the kitchen table with the boat rocking like crazy. Ended up with food poisoning and sick as a dog. His response once I was feeling a bit better “ would be the perfect time for a…l sex seeing how you are cleaned out”. You simply can’t make this stuff up 🙂
    He also takes lots of risks flying me in his small plane thru ice and storms that most pilots would never do. I honestly think he thinks he’s invincible.
    Problem is that he went to Harvard, is a Rhodes scholar, multimillionaire, drop dead gorgeous and owns many companies. I know narcissism is common among CEOs and yes, he has reason to think he’s pretty neat, but I simply can’t handle this. Last week he had a frightening rage against me. He has been married twice and insists on staying at his exwife’s house and taking her on vacation with his college age children. Without me. I told him I would not accept this and he twisted it around that he is father-of-the-year and I’m making his relationship out to he some lurid event and he is “F$:;g proud of who he is and everything he’s done” and I’m not going to try and make him look bad. He cried, screamed and in front of our therapist grabbed me by my cost collar and choked me. We then went home and I told him to get out of my home. Took 3 days of raging against me before he’d leave. He screamed. He cried. He stared at the sky. And he never slept for 3 days. Eventually I had his therapist speak to him and he agreed to leave my home. Its been 5 days now. He’s texted 3 times to tell me how sad he is. Never asks about me. Acts like everything is fine. Absolutely psychotic. I have yet to respond. Need to recover. Would love to talk to others with similar experience. Therapist was not much help. He charmed her up until the day he grabbed me.
    Help! Need strength to never go back…

    Barry says:

    Is there any kind of medicine that can help contain the rage/anger like an antidepressant?

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    Ahlela says:

    Just sharing my experiences of living with narcissists in the hope that it will help someone. Firstly you need to get out of the relationship with a narcissist as soon as you can! It’s a loose loose situation always. I unfortunately have plenty of experiences and. But if you are encountering narcissistic rage and you can not leave that very minute and need the person to calm down for your own safety, my advice is FLATTERY. No point in reasoning with a narcissist because they are not interested in you or your feelings and the will not change. Use FLATTERY to get him/her calmed down and than leave and make plans how you can get away from this person for good. Just make sure you flattery doesn’t come across too insincere and make it clear to your self that you are doing this to help yourself and to get out. For example you can say. “yes this is a very upsetting situation, but I’m so impressed with your emotional strength and you intellectual abilities.Nobody else i know would be able to handle this as well as you. Or talk about their great beauty, outstanding talents etc. whatever works for them. (of course it’s BS but you need to protect yourself from their rage as well as you can) just feed them what they truly crave, which is the feeling that they are amazing and better than anyone else and than get out as fast as you can because this is not healthy. These people have a real screw loose and their narcism is not worth your time.

    Mel says:

    I lived with a narcissist for 27 years so for sure I was the enabler. We worked together and had 2 children. It wasn’t bad all the time and at that time i loved him so you put up with it. He left me which was hard but now 6 years later I feel totally liberated and emotionally so much better off. He wasn’t around much for the kids so they seem to be fine but I am sure they must be affected
    He doesn’t ask about them and only sees them for a few days in a year, yet he tells people they are what keeps him going. What I am struggling with is my own anger and continuing hurt as we are still struggling financially and he keeps threatening to help and then withdraws, I am currently the object of his blame and rage from afar. I read the stories which help a lot, knowing not to expect rational dialogue therefore I am not engaging. Is it fair to discuss with my kids 19 and 17 despite everything isn’t it better for them to perceive him in a better light? Though I rarely see my ex will I be haunted by him for the rest of my life?

    DONNIE says:


    Dominique H V says:

    This is so relevant ! Thank you to have put words to what I try to describe for years.
    This is not easy to grow up with a narcissist parent.

    Tigerlily says:

    Butch, sounds like my boyfriend! Empty promises galore then blames me for not committing to me, saying I have to behave before he’ll reward me with the commitment I deserve. I left him yesterday. I’m fed up of him never being here for me, expecting me to be happy seeing him once a week yet expecting me to be fully committed to him. The text rages, storming out on me if I disagree with him, telling me not to shout when I’m not even shouting, ridiculing my idiosyncrasies, telling me the same stories over and over about how fabulous he is because he went to a non paying grammar school and is therefore better than everyone else as the entrance test was really hard and exams in a private school are much tougher than in state schools, how fit women are interested in him to make me insecure, silent treatment especially if I’m upset about something and ask him for a cuddle…..he’s never ever there. He’s only there if I’m strong and telling him I’m leaving him. I know he’s unfeeling as he doesn’t understand why my mother’s death when I was a child still upsets me now. He said I should be over it now. We were at the cemetery one time, I got upset and he totally ignored me, didn’t give me a hug. Its not normal. He’s like this because his mother is narcissistic. He hates her with a passion and says he has no issues, that he’s dealt with them. Yeah right. He talks all the time about how hard done by he was by his mom, exes… feel like saying….you should be over your mother by now.

    You hit the nail squarely on the head says:

    Jeni, Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    My dear friend Kath sent me an e-mail with links to this page and the NVS page and its all about my sister as the narcissist who has terrorized eveyone in our family for many many years. Its a real problem and not one that has an easy solution as she put a power of attorney form in front of our Mom to sign with the help of her husband in HIS role as her enabler and sweet gullible Mom signed! The evil sister then obtained a health care proxy and has moved Mom 7 times in the past year! If Mom didn’t have dementia – which she does – she would be spinning in circles from being constantly moved from one institution to another. Unfortunately none of us has the money to take all this to court.

    My thanks however for aiding me in my own downward spiral regarding it all. Many many thanks

  16. Jeni Mawter says:

    Hi Carolanne,

    My book is a book of fiction about a 16 year old boy with a narcissistic girlfriend, so it’s probably not what you’re looking for!
    It’s called Kiss Kill and is available online only.

    Maybe you should read the post on this blog on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome and it may help you understand yourself.

    Good luck with your mother!


    Carolanne Cream says:

    WOW !! You described my mother perfectly.
    Is your book in stores or avaible online only?

    nerak says:

    How do you help children who are struggling at the hands of a narcissist parent?

  19. Jeni Mawter says:

    Hi David,

    Am sorry to read of your distress and the difficulties you’re having. All I can say is I’m glad you’re researching and finding information to help you make sense of your situation. As to how to manage it? That’s a potential minefield. Have you read the blog on Victims of Narcissistic Personality Disorder on this site. You might find some of the information a help to you.

    Wishing you the peace that you seek.


    David says:

    I have just experienced this rage from my wife. This morning she is in a rage and I’m the blame. She just broke a gift she bought me. I have a son from a previous marriage. He is well adjusted but he hears his father being called names, spoken to in a rage, etc. If I would of believed the signs I researched…. Today, I know the signs and I am not the problem (although I’m not perfect). For all of you who have learned, and employed what they have learned (set boundaries, confront the lies, etc) I have much respect for you. Even for a strong person like myself, after knowing her illness is not easy. The only person who understands my sitituation is her x husband of 24yrs. She has done the same to him. I only have been married to her for 3yrs with one yr separation.. I should of never tried to make it work. But, remember, it took me awhile to determine the research matched the behavior.

    Been There says:

    It is easy to say ‘leave,’ but if you have two children and you feel you can disengage successfully 60% of the time, should you? My spouse is textbook w/ the added benefit of pathological jealousy. In addition I have a stepdaughter that works through her father to have him turn on the rage for her about things ‘that aren’t happening’ or are ‘out of my control.’ Triangulation – the daughter, father, and me – is a well worn weapon used by both him and her flagrantly. I am now trying to ‘just not respond’ or to stay calm and deflect it all back w/ ‘nice comments’ and then wait three days until I can bring my balance back. I have been married 26 years and the # episodes have dropped mostly because I have taken myself out of the equation. An unfortunate consequence is managing my own I HATE the word ‘trauma’ reactions to things. I will take clonapen ‘situationally’ if I am around his daughter which is a lifesaver. There you have it … if you have advice other than to ‘leave’ please pass it along. I love my children; feel I can manage enough and believe that dealing w/ a narcissistic divorced husband could be worse than living w/ one.

  22. Jeni Mawter says:

    Hi Elisa,

    Completely understand your no-win situation and your no-contact decision. Enablers bring their own challenges and I like your limited to no-contact rule.

    Am so glad you can now say Life is great!

    Thanks for sharing.

    Elisa says:

    I have been surrounded for almost 50 years by Narcs & Narc enablers. You can’t really have any kind of normal relationship with them.
    If they are spewing nastiness or delusional nonsense at you & you dare to disagree with them, they will rage like a lunatic at you, but if you agree or remain silent, then you are enabling them.
    It’s a no-win situation.
    People who hurt others & show no remorse & have no intention of ever changing are losers.
    I learned after 45 years of the craziness to go no-contact with Narcs & very limited to no-contact with their enablers.
    Life is great, but it’s short. Don’t waste it on losers.

  24. Jeni Mawter says:

    Hey Glory!

    Anyone who’s been in your shoes understands completely!

    I laughed at your Up is Down example. I used to use It’s not coffee, it’s tea. Smells like coffee …

    Not laughing at your predicament, though and hope you work out the best path for you. 8 years of rocky is an awful lot of rocky. Something HAS to change.

    Good luck!

    glory trefry says:

    My boyfriend is a narcissist. It’s been a VERY rocky 8 years of being wrong all the time. His father has the same problem. The funny part is, is that my boyfriend gets mad at his father for the same narcissistic traits that he has. Neither would agree if I were to point this out though.
    I want to be done, its so hard though because on top of being narcissistic, he’s also very smooth. He WILL convince u that up is actually down and he can prove it.

    It does feel better to hear from u guys, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  26. Jeni Mawter says:

    Hi Butch,

    A huge congrats for reaching a decision about what you need in your life and what’s not working. I am not surprised to hear your attempts at an explanation didn’t go so good. Logic and reason don’t work with a narcissist.

    I wish you all the best with your attempts to heal and move on. You can be your own major project this year.

    Healing thoughts your way!


    butch says:

    I was glad to stumble upon this blog right now. I just had a confrontation with my Narcissist where I had attempted to explain why we could not continue our relationship. Needless to say, it went horribly. While I do take full responsibility for saying I would stay in the relationship as those who are in or have ever been with a Narc our intentions are honorable to stay with someone we love, yet they leave us no choice but to get out as the ambient abuse continues and their complete oblivion to follow through on their commitments can leave us feeling empty and incapable of asking for something different, to “tell the truth” so to speak as my narc likes to call it. All the empty promises, all the lies, the devaluing left me incapable of making myself vulnerable once again. So began the blame game, the character assassinations and the belittling went on and on..

  28. Jeni Mawter says:

    Hi Nicole,

    Am glad you found this post interesting and helpful. I’m sure you’ll find my entry on Narcissistic Victim Syndrome informative as well. This doesn’t go into Narcissistic Personality Disorder behaviours in great detail (one of which definitely can be passive aggression) but it may help you with trying to make sense of yourself. Maybe it will help explain self-esteem, coping mechanisms etc.

    I also a pinterest board on narcissism and another on bullying that may be of interest to you. You’ll find them here:

    Wishing you peace,


    Nicole says:

    Dear Jeni,

    Wow — thank you for this article. For the longest time I believed my mother was passive aggressive, but narcissism really hits the nail on the head with her. Do you know if passive aggression and narcissism can go hand in hand? I’m really curious about that now.

    Earlier today, my mom picked me up from work and was complaining about having to go to a meeting with her boss scheduled for later today. A few months ago, she (for whatever reason) stole a test for a course at her work. She returned the test but the whole thing was caught on security tape. Now she is afraid her boss is finally going to confront her about this. She says she doesn’t know why she did it, so I can’t know for sure, but I do have some ideas! I patiently listened to her on the ride home and offered a little bit of advice, but as we parted ways, I made the “mistake” of saying “good-bye” instead of “good luck”. She immediately became angry with me and asked why I hadn’t wished her luck. That’s when I got offended and told her I wasn’t going to get wrapped up in her problems — another “here we go again” moment. Before returning to work, she yelled to me that she is an honest person. She even extended her feelings about this situation to her DUI a few years ago, claiming that everyone else likes to make her look like the bad guy.

    I will definitely take your advice to keep away from her. It’s sad, but because of the way she behaves, we don’t have any real connection besides genes. 🙁 I have a feeling that my self-esteem issues may be due in part to her treatment of me. It’s hard to feel sorry for her at all, and even more difficult not to take her toxicity to heart as her child.

    Dena says:


    regarding your 20 year old son. We all think we have answers to other peoples problems. If this were my son I would just hug him and tell him how much I love him as much as possible meaning every possiblility. Be consistant with him and he will respond when he is ready. This will take time….


  31. Jeni says:

    Hi Hope,

    I’m sorry and saddened to read your post and can only hope things will turn around for you and your family.

    Narcissistic rage is toxic, reducing relationships to survival in a war zone. It is a recurring trauma that is hard to make sense of and holds you to ransom.

    I think you and your husband should seek help from a relationship counsellor. Things like ‘setting clear boundaries’ and having ‘consequences’ if boundaries are overstepped may provide you with a survival plan. Your son can only benefit from these as well.

    I do believe the destructiveness of narcissistic rage can be reduced with the power of knowledge, insights, and a force shield of learned defences.

    All my good wishes to you all.

    Hope says:

    Thank you, thank you! At last some validation…. I have tried to explain to family and friends how difficult our life is with our 20 year old son but you can see they find it hard to believe us because he never displays this side to anyone else! All is fine as long as we DO NOT: ask him to do anything, question his drinking and smoking (pot) or comment on his friends or his grades. If we do we are met with his RAGE. These episodes are terrifying and after 3 years of this we are broken and bewildered. The beautiful, loving boy we raised is rarely seen in our house now, he has been replaced with this scary, scary person. His father and I creep around on egg shells waiting for the next storm. He swears at us, screams abuse of every kind, smashes things and threatens to kill himself (cos he knows that’s what I fear most.) A couple of times he has scared me so much that I have had to talk to him through a locked gate…. Our lives are a living hell….

    Johnnie says:

    Normally I don’t read post on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very forced me to take a look at and do so! Your writing taste has been amazed me. Thanks, very nice article.

    Geoff evetts says:

    Ok. Great explanation. My exgirlfriend responded with rage after silent treatment didntbwork. We are finished. I didn’t respond to text. It’s been 3 weeks. I’m slowly getting my mojo back . I do agree don’t respond don’t look back. Save yourself they will never be happy and they will alway s be tormented and pessimistic . Any responses will be twisted around on you

    derrick says:

    These self absorbed people should recieve a disability check fron our goverment.

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  37. Jeni says:

    My experience is that none of your responses will work during the episode of rage. At some point you must accept that it is not for you to ‘fix’ their issue. They call that need to fix the problem codependency. The thing you have to do is learn to value and respect yourself and to set your own boundaries of what is or what is not acceptable behaviour from your boyfriend. Easier said than done! Maybe at another time when things are less volatile explain that the behaviour is unnacceptable and that next time it occurs you will leave the room/house/whatever. Personally, my advice would be to leave this relationship. get back your self-esteem and your self-worth. Good luck!

    DDS523 says:

    OMG. You just described my life with my boyfriend perfectly. It can be super scary & none of my responses
    It validated me so much, thank you.

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