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Read all about Jeni's 'So' series of books

 

Beagle Facts & Funnies


Bella Facts

Bella Fact One
Bella is a real dog who spends her days under Jeni's desk whilst she's working.

Bella Fact Two
The other missing dogs, Cassie, the Brittany Spaniel, and Lissa, the Weimaraner are Bella's real life friends.

Bella Fact Three
Like all beagles Bella is a food-a-holic and will eat anything. She has been known to eat cough lozenges, Laxettes, 72 Lindt chocolates in one sitting, her own poo.

Bella Fact Four
Bella is a homing beagle which is very unusual. Most beagles are escape artists and once on a scent just go, go, go.

Bella Fact FiveBeagle
Bella can sleep anywhere, her most unusual positions to date have been inside the dish washer and inside a suitcase packed to go on holidays.

Bella Fact Six
Bella is a heater hog and can withstand temperatures that would melt mercury.

Bella Fact Seven
Jeni tried to give the beagle in Unleashed! a different name but every time she went to type it, ‘Bella' miraculously appeared on the page instead.

Bella Fact Eight
Bella received a life ban from Guard Dog School when she allowed our home to be robbed twice, while we were all in it!

Bella Fact Nine
Bella actually smiles and laughs in real life, especially when she first sees you. True!

Bella Fact Ten
Bella has both a British and Australian passport. Her mother was Australian but her father was English.

Bella Fact Eleven
Bella's show name is Nangunya Black Ice.

Bella Fact Twelve
Bella's hobbies include eating and sleeping, more eating, more sleeping, then eating and sleeping some more.

Bella Fact Thirteen
Bella gets the Lifetime Achievement Award for farting at the worst possible times, in the car, in your face, under the dinner table, when we have visitors.

Bella Fact Fourteen
Jeni used to drive a car with the sticker in the rear window, ‘On the eighth day God made the Beagle'.

Beagle Property Laws
(Author Unknown)

  1. If I like it, it's mine.
  2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
  3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
  4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
  5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
  6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
  7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
  8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
  9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
  10. If it's broken, it's yours.

The Ten Commandments According to Your Beagle

  1. Thou shalt feed me today more than thou didst yesterday.
  2. Thou shalt teach me with food—not big sticks and loud voices.
  3. Thou shalt walk with me every day—despite thy favourite TV program.
  4. Thou shall not buy furniture that I cannot sit on.
  5. Thou shalt not pay attention to anyone else but me—lest I feel unwanted.
  6. Thou shalt love me to death—even when I bark all night.
  7. Thou shalt not have a Cat with attitude and claws.
  8. Thou shalt not start the car until I am in it.
  9. Thou shalt not hide the food.
  10. Thou shalt obey the above without question lest I poo on the neighbours' lawn and promote community strife.

The Beagle Pledge

  • I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
  • I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
  • The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
  • I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
  • I will not throw up in the car.
  • I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
  • I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, and so on.
  • I will not eat other animals' poop.
  • I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
  • I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
  • "Kitty Litter" is not food.
  • I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
  • The nappy bucket is not a cookie jar.
  • I will not eat the disposable nappies, especially the dirty ones.Beagle
  • I will not wake Mummy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
  • I will not chew my humans' toothbrush and not tell them.
  • I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am haemorrhaging.
  • When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  • I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
  • If we do not have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  • I will not steal my Mum's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
  • The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mum's and Dad's laps.
  • My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  • I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mum's driver's license and car registration.
  • I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  • I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  • I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
  • The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  • I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

Beagle Humility

The Gates of Heaven were guarded by St. Peter. Four canine friends approached and stood waiting for permission to enter. They were asked for an account of themselves.
The poodle was first and, leaping forward proudly, he said, "I am the showman, winning many prizes for my beauty. See how fine I am? There was none better than I in my prime. I was my master's pride and joy." He demonstrated his fine show stance.

Next, the Labrador, black and glossy: "I am the Field Champion, keen for the gun, never missing a bird. I worked hard for my master."

Then the German Shepherd, keen and alert. "I guarded my masters, keeping them safe. No strange foot trod the paths without my permission. They feared not with me around."

"And you sir," said St Peter, "come forward to me. What of you?" The dog replied, "I am a Beagle—maybe not so good, I confess. I pursued the cat, fell to temptation, and stole food. I forgot to return to my masters' call, leaving them to worry, then showed my disapproval at being left alone by chewing their shoes. Oh, and there was also my bad habit of barking at the garbage collectors...."

"But what did you give them?" asked St. Peter.

"What did I give them? I gave them light in their eyes and laughter in their voices."

St. Peter opened the gates and waved the Beagle through.

Creation, According to the Beagle

On the first day of creation, God created the beagle.
On the second day, God created man to serve the beagle.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the beagle.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the beagle.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the beagle might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the beagle healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the beagle.

Who Said Beagles are Dumb?

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a beagle trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the beagle and was surprised, to say the least. However, the beagle looked determined, so the office manager led him into the office. Inside, the beagle jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The beagle jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The beagle jumped down again and went to the computer. He proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The beagle jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the words "Equal Opportunity Employer." The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The beagle looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow."

Funnies

How do you contact a Beagle owner?Beagle
Dial 1-800-I-AM-NUTS

Q. What do you get when you cross a bee, a dog and a seagull?
A. A beagle.

Beagle Tongue Twister
How many bagels could a Beagle bake if a Beagle could bake bagels?

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any,
and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Kelpie: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Beagle (with a suspicious bulge in its tummy): What lightbulb?

 

 
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